Mrs. Libby Johnson

Change

2008-02-09T08:54:00.000-06:00

I love this video. We watched it last semester in one of my education classes that was supposed to be teaching us about how diverse our future students would be. It amazes me that our world is changing so fast...my problems and my victories always seem so important to me, but when you put them up against some of the facts in this video, they aren't!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljbI-363A2Q

Greg and I are doing really well. We have been faithfully going to the gym and working out to the point where I feel like I'm going to break ;) On Thursday night we did free weights for upper body and I am so, so sore still! I love doing free weights, but I always get so intimidated going over there because my 15 pound weights look so tiny compared to the 90 pound weights some guys bench!

I told our COM group about my last post and they're all praying for me. And I can honestly say that I feel like I'm making progress. I knew this wouldn't be an overnight thing, but I feel God making changes in the way my mind works. A couple nights ago, I was running on the treadmill, and I actually thought my legs looked GOOD - muscular and strong. Which is definitely not something I've ever thought before. So change is happening in my brain :)

Surrender

2008-02-03T19:37:00.001-06:00

I never realized what a complete control-freak I am until it came time to plan my wedding. I've always known that I prefer to be in the driver's seat when it comes to doing things (I mean, who else can do something as perfectly as me?), but when it came time to plan my wedding I became a to-do list freak. I timed, down to the second, when my bridesmaids would walk down the aisle. I made an itinerary that was at least 5 pages long for all of our wedding party...and I still agonize nearly a year later that I told the ushers to be in the wrong place at the right time and they ended up missing out on our formal pictures. I was such a control-freak that when I left to get my hair done on the morning of the wedding, my loving aunts, uncles, cousins, and bridesmaids were panicking asking Jen whether I wanted pink AND green jelly beans on all tables, or just one corresponding color. And then there was a near meltdown when they ran out of jelly beans. And guess who didn't even realize there were jelly beans at the reception until she got professional pictures back? Yep, that's right, the control freak BRIDE!

I think this control issue has only gotten worse since the wedding. And now it's started to apply to my relationship with God. I'm not sure why I think it's okay to be in the driver's seat when I'm riding in the car with God, but for some reason, I've come to think this. Today, Jeff did a sermon called "Chase the Lion." It was about doing things that are destined to fail without the help of some divine intervention...and it really got me thinking. I have some serious issues in my life that need to be surrendered to God...one particular thing that will never be resolved unless God takes a hold and shows me how to let go.

Ever since 5th grade, I have had horrible self-esteem and self-image issues. Do you know how sad it is that a 10-year-old thought that she needed to lose weight? That makes 12 years of me hating myself, the way I looked on the outside, and the way I felt about myself on the inside. This issue is so big that I really don't remember a time when I wasn't thinking about my weight. I know there has to be a time when my little, carefree mind wanted nothing to do with the reflection in the mirror, but I honestly can't remember a time like that. I rate every picture I see of myself on how "skinny" I look in it. If I don't live up to my own impossibly high standards, then it's a bad picture. This "issue" has even pushed me towards anorexia and doing stupid, stupid stuff to make myself look "better." And to be honest? I'm never going to look like Heidi Klum or any of the other Victoria's Secret models. I'm athletic. And I have my dad's calves (Lord, please help my children!). And I rode horses and swam for years. I've got some muscles!

So this morning, I decided to pass this problem of mine over to God. I'm so tired of living life this way. I'm so tired of constantly thinking that I need to be better; that I need to be prettier, or skinnier, or taller, or faster, or stronger. There's never going to be a number on the scale that is "perfect" for me and I'm never going to get to a point where I'm thin enough...unless God takes control. And I can't describe the terror that runs through me at the thought of letting go. That seems so silly too...why should I be scared to let my GOD take control? One part is fear of the unknown...What happens if I stop constantly finding something to improve on; what if I spiral out of control the other way and end up incredibly overweight? The other big part of my fear is because I don't know how to let go...I don't know how to take a step forward. I have spent so long hating myself that I've forgotten what is involved in loving myself.

This morning Jeff talked about how there are two parts to learning - one is taking in new information and the other is "un-learning" all the wrong information. I've got 12 years worth of un-learning to start...I have to un-learn that every time I get in front of the mirror is a time to critique my appearance. I have to un-learn that the numbers on the scale matter. I have to un-learn that a dress size matters. I have to un-learn that a six-pack is what matters. Most importantly I have to LEARN that my husband, my family, and my GOD think that I am beautiful, inside and out.

Please, please pray for me. I've always thought that I was always going to have to deal with this problem; I never thought that it could be gone. I need God to show me how to let go, how to love, and how to accept the way he created me.

It's February?

2008-02-01T22:52:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it's already February...time is really flying by so, so fast!

I started classes a few weeks ago and they're going well. I only have class on Mondays and Tuesdays, but those are LONG days! I work Mondays and Wednesdays, which means I have Thursday and Friday off completely. That has been so nice - I'll take a busy first half of the week any day if it means I get a four day weekend! I can't express in words how ready I am to be done with school though. It's gotten old and I'm bored with learning the same thing over and over again in my education classes. I'm sure if I wanted to I could get something else out of them, but I've gotten to the point where I want to take my certification tests and just be done. No more tests, no more hour long drives, no more humongous reading assignments, no more stupid projects, no more laminating! Okay...well, I guess being a teacher I'll be doing lots of laminating...but no more PAYING to laminate Dolch Word Cards that are geared towards Kinder-3rd graders (I'm certifying to teach 4th - 8th graders...makes a LOT of sense, right?) Basically, I'm just done. Thank the Lord I only have this semester left of classes and then I get to be in the classroom all the time student teaching.

My mentor teacher this year is something else...I won't go into it fully, but let's just say that this is going to be a huge lesson in what NOT to do with your kids. It's also giving me a chance to show some military kids what a teacher should act like...teachers should definitely love their kids (why else would you do it??) and that's what I'm trying so, so hard to show these poor little fourth graders in the two hours that I'm there every week. :(

On a happy note, Greg and I joined a gym last week! It's not a huge gym, which means that there isn't a huge price tag on it (yay!) and it's really helping us in our goals. We've been doing awesome on working out, not eating out, and cooking really healthy meals at home. I joined a free website to help me track what I'm eating and how much I'm exercising and that has been so motivating to see all that in black and white. I feel so much better now that I'm really only putting healthy food into my body...I'm back to running, though it's only about 2 1/2 miles four times a week...at least it's something! It's the one part of working out that I really look forward to, and I'm taking full advantage of that!

Other than that, there's not a whole lot more that's new around here. Sammy is finally starting to understand how to tell us when she needs to go outside (thank the Lord!!) and she and Riley are really starting to love each other. They were even sleeping in the same bed the other night when we were getting ready to go to bed! :) I'm so glad to have both of them, although you couldn't imagine two dogs with two different personalities than the two of them. Sammy is a lot calmer than Riley, but way more skittish. Unfortunately, as I found out last week, this really applies to new people who get in her face. We are really going to have to work on that while she's still young.

I hope 2008 is treating you all well. I miss you guys and love you :)

I miss it...

2008-01-09T21:25:00.000-06:00

...running, that is. I was reading back through old blogs tonight and I got really, really sad that I'm not training for the marathon anymore. I know I had to make a choice, and I'm 100% positive that I made the right choice by choosing photography over running. But it doesn't make me any less sad that I've essentially backed out on one of my huge goals in life. I will run a marathon someday...it just won't be this year.

I'm sad that I gave up when I'd come SO far. I went from running 3-4 miles at a time to running 11-13. 13 miles...that is SO far. And now I'd be lucky if I could run 5 miles.

I miss the feel of it...and more than all, I miss the feel after it ;) The feel during it is not reliable. Sometimes it's great and other times it's awful. But the feeling after a long run is always exhilarating. It always provides a sense of accomplishment and a feeling of pride.

I miss the unforgiving black asphalt, the cool of the morning, the sound of feet pounding on the pavement. I miss the sweat, the rush, the gatorade, the iPod. I miss the empty downtown streets. I miss the sporadic conversation with other runners. I miss watching the street lights turn from green to yellow to red (and I miss running through those red lights). I miss Will's encouraging words before a long run and I even miss getting lost in downtown Austin (kind of!) I miss the commitment that I felt to all those other people in the group. I even miss my alarm going off at 5:00 in the morning on Saturdays (kind of)...because that meant that my run would be completely finished by the time most people got out of bed.

I think what I miss most is the calming, relaxing effect that running has on me. It's cheap therapy. It's time alone with God where no one can interrupt me. It is my quiet place and my sanctuary.

I miss it. A lot.

Sick

2008-01-08T17:44:00.000-06:00

I think I've got/am getting the flu. But I hope not :( I've been trying to take things slowly and get better, but I'm really not.

My mom thought I was pregnant and it made me laugh really hard. (I'm not by the way - and I'm 100% sure about that!)

I'll put more Christmas pictures up later, but I wanted to let you guys know why I haven't been posting over the past few days! Keep me in your prayers.

My girls

2008-01-04T10:01:00.000-06:00

I couldn't resist posting these pictures of Riley and Sammy :) Enjoy!

I don't think she has enough blankets...do you?

And finally, a preview of the Christmas photos to come!

Christmas, Part One

2008-01-03T19:56:00.000-06:00

I really want to post all my Christmas photos, but there are too many to put in at once! Here are all of the decorations at our apartment (plus a few of Riley thrown in for cuteness sake). I'll post ones from Kansas sometime this weekend. I really wish I had a great photo editing software (like Lightroom), but since I don't, I'll make do with what I have :)

I made tons of sugar cookies (and gingerbread men too...but I got lazy and didn't take pictures of them, even though they were SO cute!)

I loved these little toy soldiers!

Of course you have to have snowmen!

This is Riley's "perch." She sat here for ALL the baking staring out the window at the non-winter weather.

Big yawn.

I love this silhouette...so neat! I really like how you can see her little brown eyebrows.

Probably one of my all time favorite pictures.

Our first Christmas tree! Unfortunately, I never got a picture of Greg and I in front of OUR tree...but that's another story entirely ;)

Favorite ornament.

And this one too.

Tons of pretty presents!

Grandma gave us this gorgeous Willowtree nativity scene for our wedding present. I love it SO much. This shot (though not very good artistically!) shows everything pretty well although I love...

...this one much better. Dark and moody ;)

Mary with baby Jesus...Joseph looking on in the background.

Shepherd with a lamb.

One of the three wisemen.

I think that's enough pictures for one post. Have a great evening!

This is why I love photography...

2008-01-01T19:09:00.001-06:00

...because you can capture priceless moments like this! I love my family. So. So. Much.

Happy New Years!

2008-01-01T13:32:00.000-06:00

Happy New Years, everyone! I can't believe it's 2008...so exciting :) Greg and I have almost been married a year...how insane is that?! We rang in the new year last night by watching all of the Bourne movies - Bourne Identity, Bourne Supremacy, and Bourne Ultimatum. I hadn't seen any of them and I really enjoyed them (even though I fell asleep during the last one - 3 movies is a lot for me to watch in one night!) I usually don't do resolutions because I never actually keep them...but this year I decided to do New Years "Goals" that are much more attainable than the resolutions that I usually set.

1. Consistently work out 3 times a week.
I'm so bad about working out (lifting weights, not running) sporadically. I think it's partly because I hate it and would much rather be running...but I need to do it for my health. So my goal this year is to lift weights three times EVERY week. And then run on top of that when I can.

2. Write a letter to my grandparents every month.
I hate living far away from my family and I wish I could see them more, so I've decided to write my grandparents a letter monthly. They love getting mail (and so do I!) and I think getting letters from me every month would make them feel special. I really don't know how much longer my dad's mom is going to be around...and I'm definitely going to miss her a lot when she's gone. So I need to cherish the time I have left with her and not put my busy life above what means most in the world to me - my family.

3. Train the dogs.
Riley knows how to sit, but that's about it. I want them to sit, stay, come on command (this would be SO nice) and generally learn how to be well-behaved dogs. I think this might be the toughest goal so far...

4. Spend quality time with God.
I've gotten bad about slacking off on my quiet times...I will pray for a few minutes before I fall asleep and then call that "quality" time...and then I wonder why I'm not growing and getting closer to him. Makes a lot of sense, huh? So my goal is to spend time praying and reading and growing at least three times per week. I would love to do it every day, but I know that if that were my goal, I would probably fail within the first month. However, I will be reading my Bible every night before bed.

I'd love to hear all of y'alls resolutions (or goals!) Hooray for 2008!

My second baby...

2007-12-30T21:13:00.000-06:00

Most of you guys know how attached I am to my dogs. They are like my children - not exaggerating at all! I spoil them rotten and treat them better than some people get treated.

Anyways...I've been wanting another dachshund for a LONG time...like since we brought Riley home ;) But I haven't quite gotten Greg to go for it until just recently. I reminded him that we're moving out of our apartment in 6ish months and if we get a puppy now, that would give us 6 months of potty training time in an apartment where the carpet is already ruined by our first baby.

We got back from Kansas on Thursday night and I started searching the internet for puppies. I found an ad in the paper for some older puppies - 3 and 4 months old and decided to go check them out. We drove all the way down to Wimberly, TX...which is really only like an hour or so away to see a puppy they were calling "U-Turn" because she had broken her tail when she was just a couple weeks old and now it curls over at the tip. Of course, I had my mind made up that we were coming home with her before we got there ;) And we did!

Her new name is Samantha, aka Sammy, and she is a 4 month old black and tan piebald miniature dachshund...she is SO different looking from Riley, but precious and adorable in her own way. She weighs about 6 pounds right now, but she'll probably only gain about 4 more pounds and be right around Riley's size. She and Riley are getting along really well. Sammy likes Riley a little more than Riley likes her, but they're playing well together. They really love tug-of-war :)

So here are pictures of my late Christmas present...MANY more to come soon, I promise!

Dear Texas,

2007-12-19T10:50:00.001-06:00

I do not live on the equator. I live north of the equator. In fact, Austin is what I would call "significantly" north of the equator. You seem to have forgotten this fact.

It is December. Let's spell that out...D-E-C-E-M-B-E-R. Good! Actually, it is MID-December...The 19th to be exact. Do you know what mid-December means? It means snow. It means Christmas. It means cold weather...or at least kind of cool. It does not mean highs in the mid-70s to low-80s. It does not mean beach weather where I could walk around in a tank top and shorts. December means sweaters and fuzzy slippers and lots of blankets at night. I should not have to use my air conditioner, for goodness sakes!

Texas, I gave you a break in November...I mean, it's not really winter yet. And even though I was kind of peeved that it was really warm on Halloween in October, I realize that we live closer to the equator than our friend, Colorado. But gosh darn it, I want it to feel like Christmas around here!

I've been trying my best. I've made hundreds of sugar cookies (okay, maybe only 72) and thousands of gingerbread men (or really only like 60) and I'm cooking chili (which smells deliciously good) and I've listened to Sleigh Ride and Silver Bells more times than I want to acknowledge. But something about all that doesn't mesh well when my weatherman tells me, "It's gonna be a warm one, today, folks!" I don't want it to be a warm one, folks. I want it to be a cold one.

So get your act together. Get all buddy buddy with Wisconsin or Michigan or Colorado. Learn what COLD means. And do it.

Sincerely,

Be Still and Know He is God

2007-12-08T19:46:00.000-06:00

God knows you. He knows the patterns in your eyes, the lines in your thumb print. He knows the way your spirit feels when you see a sunset. He knows the variations of your laughs when things are hilarious, mildly funny, or you’re just being polite. He knows which foods disgust you and which makes you close your eyes and say “yum." He knows your wildest dreams and your darkest fears. He knows what makes your heart leap. He knows how you feel when you’ve been rejected and forgotten. He knows how many tears you’ve cried. He knows you and loves you.

Know that He is the God that has command over the wind. He is the one that tells the sun to rise and set each day. He is the one that breathes life into everything. He is the one that shaped the mountains, smoothed the hills, and molded the bottom of the ocean. Demons fear Him. Angels worship Him. Animals obey Him. Everything with life answers to Him. And He sent His Son to die for us.

Be still and know that He is God. Let the fear fade away and your heart fill with peace as you remember that He is for you. He would slow down the sun for you or split open the sea for you. He will make a way. Rest and know that He will make a way.

***

A friend from my classes this year wrote this and I thought it was amazing...Thank you Lauren for blessing me with this new perspective.

It's that time again...finals!

2007-12-07T22:59:00.000-06:00

Oh, thank heavens...I only have to take finals ONE MORE SEMESTER...ever! I am so thankful for that. I have been so incredibly busy lately - I had a final on Monday night, a final today, and two this coming Monday. I will be glad when they are finished. My 50 book evaluations, original book, and thematic unit were also all due in the past two weeks, so I've been crazy trying to get all that stuff finished...thank God I didn't procrastinate and put those things off to the last minute...I don't think I ever could've finished them all on time! In other school related news...I made a 100 on my Unit!! This is fantastic news because making a 100 on the Unit for Curriculum is pretty unheard of. I worked my tail off getting that thing perfect and I'm so glad I did. Now if I just was able to do well on the final today, I could scrape by with an A! But I'll settle for a B if the final didn't go too well (which I'm not thinking it did...which is okay with me).

God has been stretching me to trust Him so much lately. I think I have trust issues and I'm not really sure where those came from. I really don't think I have a reason to be leery of trusting people and God, but for some reason I really am...He keeps showing me that the only way to do things is with Him in the lead and SO many times I try to rush in front of him and do things myself...and then I end up in tears crying out to Him to get me out of the mess I've made, and he always does. So why do I find it so hard to trust Him? Money is tight right now, which is difficult no matter what time of the year it is, but especially when it's Christmas time. God and I had a little heart-to-heart the other night and even though I know logically that I shouldn't, my heart won't stop feeling failure for continually running to Him about the same things. I feel like He must be tired of me not learning from mistakes and repeating them...gosh, I know I'm tired of it!

Our COM group went down to feed the homeless again on Tuesday night and I kept thinking that I feel like Greg and I don't have money, but in the grand scheme of things we are kings compared to them. We are so lucky...we have a home (even if it isn't where I want to be, it sure is better than the shelter on Trinity), we have enough money to buy groceries, we have money for electricity, running water, we have two awesome cars, and we even some left over every month to do some fun stuff like rent movies or go out to eat. I just need to keep some perspective the next time I'm feeling crummy because I haven't been able to go shopping for myself in awhile.

Photography is going so well! I had my last wedding last Saturday and it was really fun. I feel like I'm understanding things a little bit better and am starting to get a little more creative with my shots. Allen even posted one of my pictures on his blog - http://doberenz.blogspot.com - it's like the second post down. It made me smile! Working in his office is going really well too, although I miss my kids like crazy! I never thought I would feel that way because I hated my managers at the daycare so much...but I really do miss seeing babies every day. I think that's how I know that I'm meant to teach. Yes, photography is fun and I really love it and would love to pursue it as a hobby in the future that I could even make some money on the side with...but my heart is really into teaching. I love being in the classroom and I love seeing kids learn and discover new things. That is what God created me to do and I know I could never be happy not spending my weekdays teaching children in some form or fashion.

I hope your holiday season is so blessed...I miss you guys so much. Dustin, I hope you are feeling loved and prayed for wherever you are because you are! We really miss seeing you and hearing your hilarious stories all the time - I think Greg misses you a ton! It will be so nice to have you back in Austin to hang out with from time to time. And Hannah, I miss you like crazy, beautiful cousin! Gosh, holidays just aren't ever the same without all you Brown girls running around Grandma's house. I'm so glad you're finished with everything though - what a blessing! We will have a phone date soon :) I love you so much!

I'll post pictures of all our Christmas decorations soon. It's really neat having a real tree for once...it smells so good! And our Willowtree Nativity Scene (a wedding present from grandma and grandad) is AWESOME...so gorgeous :) I'll try to take pictures to put up next time I'm on here.

I love you guys and I miss you more than words can say!

Wow

2007-11-30T15:55:00.000-06:00

That's all the words I have for this...watch it and be amazed by God.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUiEeM5TAUY&feature=related

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble

2007-11-18T22:25:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it's almost Thanksgiving! I'm excited for it, although it's a really weird feeling knowing I'm not going to be spending Thanksgiving with my family. I know Greg's family is technically my family now too, but they're not my parents, my brother, or my grandparents. But I'm excited for yummy food. My mouth is watering just thinking of it all! My favorite traditional food at Thanksgiving dinner is green bean casserole. It's so simple (and probably so unhealthy too) but I love it!

Sorry I've been missing lately. I've been missing blogging too. But other things have been demanding my attention...like ten lesson plans (hooray, I finished #8 tonight!), and 50 book reviews (only 25 more to go!), and weddings (just did one at TBCH last night...it was weird/surreal/nostalgic to be back in "our" chapel. and just plain weird to think that someone else was getting married there), and quitting my job (oh...what? I never mentioned that?), and...hmm. I think it would be wrong to say that Greg and Riley have been demanding my attention. But they have. They have been demanding that I remove myself from my little cave in the back of our apartment where I work on lesson plans and book reviews and all those fun things. And then they demand that I watch t.v. with them or play ball with them or take them for walks.

By the way, I quit my job. My last day was Thursday...and where am I going to be working, you ask? I'm going to be assisting Allen in his 'office' now, in addition to weddings! I'll get to edit the 3000+ images we take at each wedding, and wear jeans and flip flops and t-shirts to work. I won't get to play with my kids (which I'm really, really going to miss...seriously!), but I will get to learn massive amounts of things from him about Photoshop and photography in general, which is a really good thing for someone who would eventually like to turn this expensive hobby into a business.

I'm being summoned out of my cave by Riley, who is demanding that I play ball with her right now. How does a 10 pound dog demand that you do something? By trying to jump into your chair, plopping her ball in your lap, and growling at you...that's how. So I'm off to go play with my dog (who by the way, is the cutest thing ever!) I hope you have a great Thanksgiving, if I don't get to post before then.

I am thankful for you all!

Just One

2007-11-11T17:28:00.000-06:00

She's too cute for words, isn't she?

Sick

2007-11-10T22:24:00.001-06:00

I had to miss the wedding today with Allen because I'm sick (with strep, of course!) :( I'm really upset that I missed it, but I know I need to get well...I can't miss any more classes and I definitely don't want to pass my sickness on to Allen (or the bride and groom!)

My mom's birthday was on Thursday and we went out to celebrate. We had so much fun! We went to this little, Italian restaurant called Mandola's. It had really yummy pizza. It was really nice to hang out with my parents and laugh with them :) We also went to Amy's Ice Cream afterwards (my parents had never been before...and we've lived in Austin for like 11 years!). I got Sweet Cream ice cream with junior mints mixed in and it was soo good. I had a ton of fun with my-I mean my dad's-camera! ;) Although someone (ahem, me!) forgot to check her ISO before she started taking pictures, so many of them are pretty grainy.

She's 47!

Hope everyone had a good week!

Marine, Aggie, and Secret Service...

2007-11-04T19:01:00.001-06:00

The groom of the wedding I did yesterday was in the Marines, an Aggie, and training for the secret service...what more could you ask for? I had a really fun time at the wedding - the weather was gorgeous and it started early enough that the lighting was great all throughout the ceremony. The reception was pretty fun too - all of the groomsmen (and at least half of the wedding guests) were Marines (plus one Air Force guy that looked totally out of place!). So after the cake cutting, they sang the Marines' Hymn and then went straight into the Aggie War Hymn...I think I'm becoming more and more of an Aggie - blame it on Matt! I can't believe I've already finished my third wedding and I've only got three more for this year. Sometimes it's hard to make myself want to leave Greg and Riley at home on a Saturday afternoon, but I always end up having a great time once I get there.

School is going okay...I feel so busy that I'm starting to have to pick and choose what I do well, what I do, and what I don't do as far as assignments go. Basically all reading assignments have fallen into that "what I don't do" category. There are a few things still in the "What I do well" category, but for the most part, I'm doing well if I can just get them done! I am so ready for this semester to be over. 5 more weeks - I think I can make it!

Now for a trip down memory lane because I feel like reminiscing :)

First date with Greg...I had absolutely NO voice...that made for interesting conversation! ;)

White-water rafting with the cousins in Durango in 2005

Dustin and Queen...I just found this picture looking through real old ones and it made me laugh!

Marriage license!!

I hope your week is starting off well. I'm looking forward to Friday...again ;)

Poor Riley!

2007-10-29T22:03:00.000-05:00

So Riley is healing nicely from her surgery and acting like nothing at all happened to her...and then she decides to go and scare me to death. So...I took her out to potty after she ate dinner around 5:00. About 30 minutes later she was throwing up everywhere. Greg was sweet and cleaned up the mess while I tried to get Riley to come out from underneath the bed. She hid for a good 10 minutes and finally came out as we were starting dinner. She was very, very restless though and we chalked it up to her tummy hurting her. She kept flopping down by me and scratching her eyes/ears/nose with her paws, going in and out of her blankie and just acting really uncomfortable. I got up to get more water and noticed that her eyes looked really puffy. Upon further inspection, we saw that Riley had hives ALL over her face/neck/back.

We immediately got in the car and rushed to the emergency vet (okay, well, I freaked out some and demanded that Greg go look up the nearest emergency vet while I screamed at him to tell me the number to information...I don't deal with panicky situations too well!) I called the vet on the way. Her breathing was fine when we left and she seemed fine when we got there too, but her eyes were almost swollen shut and I was so scared it was going to cause her airway to swell. They gave her Benadryl and got her hooked up to an IV. They brought her out about 30-45 minutes later looking much better, but still puffy.

Poor thing :( She's feeling a little bit better now, but she's still puffy and swollen. She's still really restless, but I think that's because of the Benadryl. Unfortunately, we also don't know what caused the reaction. She was outside, so it's entirely possible that she got stung (the vet said the time frame and the throwing up all fit that hypothesis too)...a bee also got in our apartment earlier today, so that seems the most likely thing. She also could have gotten bit by a spider while hiding under the bed (but then there is no explanation for the throwing up beforehand). We've also been switching her from puppy food to adult food, so she could be having an allergic reaction to that. I'm so frustrated that we don't know what caused the reaction and I'm so scared that this will happen again tomorrow while we're at work.

If a puppy causes me to freak out and have my hair prematurely turn gray, what the heck is a baby going to do to me?!

Three days!

2007-10-28T21:07:00.001-05:00

Why do the weekends always have to go by so fast? I feel like it was just Monday...and now it's Monday all over again. Such is life, I suppose.

Riley made it through her surgery without too much trauma. She was not happy with me at all when the vet tech came to take her from me. She struggled and whined and then looked at me like I was a traitor. Gracie actually got spayed on the same day and the vets were very nice and let the girls stay together before their surgeries. They all kept telling my dad and me how cute they were together snuggling in their blankies. And they all wanted to know if they were related somehow! :) I'm glad that everything went well, but goodness gracious is it hard to keep a rambunctious 7 month old from jumping and running for 10 days. She acts like she didn't just have major surgery (I blame that partly on the pain medicine) and all she wants to do is play. She's gotten pretty good at listening to all the "No!" and "Down!" commands that are coming at her every two seconds ;) I have pictures of her all groggy and cute after the surgery but they're on my camera that is dead right now...so those will have to wait until later!

I had SO much fun at the wedding yesterday. You have no idea how happy I get when you put a camera in my hands and give me permission to stick my lens in peoples faces and flash away. I felt a little more at ease yesterday and not so nervous that I was going to have horrible pictures (even though that was still in the back of my mind). I think I'm even starting to understand how my speed light works (the external flash that you attach to the camera...the one that stands up real high). There is something strange that happens to me during weddings...I feel like I really get to know the wedding party (even though I'm not actually talking with them, just observing them)...and I almost always get near tears when they're leaving...except no where near as bad as I did at my own wedding!! The bride yesterday actually had a similar reaction as I did when Greg and I were leaving - you know, the whole bawling and hugging everyone reaction that is pretty funny to look back at in pictures. It made me feel better to know that I'm not the only girl who was sad to leave her family and her party. I think it's a mix of things...the fact that you're going on little to no sleep, the whole symbolism of leaving your mother and father, and knowing that one of the best days of your life is actually over. That will certainly push you over the edge ;)

Halloween is on Wednesday!! I am so excited! Greg, Riley, and I are going over to my parent's house to have dinner and hang out. My dad has to go to California because of all the fires (he's in insurance...definitely not fun to deal with all that!) so we're gonna have a nice dinner and I get to pass out candy to all the cute trick-or-treaters. Greg and I never actually carved pumpkins this year and I'm kind of sad about that. I had a lot of fun doing it last year (my first time to actually carve the pumpkin by myself!)...maybe next year we'll be less busy, but for some reason, I highly doubt that! To get in the Halloween mood we rented Vacancy on Friday night. I was so scared I almost peed my pants. We had to stop it on Friday (because it was dark and I was scared) and we finished it this morning...I definitely didn't like it. Apparently I was squeezing Greg's hand so hard that I made it numb...so there is my warning - don't watch Vacancy if you get scared easily!

I hope you guys have a safe week! I am praying for you!

Nervous mommy :(

2007-10-25T16:23:00.000-05:00

We all know that my dog is my baby. And she always will be, even when I have kids. Tomorrow she is going under the knife...she's going to get spayed :( Poor baby. So keep her in your prayers! I'm a very nervous mommy, so I guess it's good that I only get like 12 hours to freak out about it (we scheduled it at 3:00 this afternoon)...plus, she's going in with Gracie (my parents dog), so hopefully the two of them will be able to be together before the surgery. And thank the Lord, we get to take her home afterwards.

Poor Riley :(

Tired

2007-10-24T21:17:00.001-05:00

I'm tired. And I got a lot of sleep yesterday/last night...I'm just tired. I feel like there is always something that needs to be done...so whenever I'm relaxing, that something is in the back of my mind nagging me and not letting me relax at all. I can't watch a movie or tv or have a "lazy day" anymore because I have to read 50 books for children's literature and write a unit for curriculum and write a book for children's lit and do a book/movie comparison for children's lit and write a unit test for curriculum and do a teaching activity for content area...I just freakin' want to be DONE. I don't care what I'm learning anymore because I know none of it is actually going to be applied to a teaching job realistically. Real teachers don't have TIME to spend 2-3 hours on ONE lesson plan, especially when they would be having to teach at least 2 lessons per day, more if they're in lower levels. I know I'm not a "real" teacher yet. I'm 9 hours and a semester of student teaching short of that. But if "real" teachers don't do it, then why the heck do I have to do it? I'm really not getting that.

I think I care too much. That makes me stress and worry. Caring too much is a bad thing. Caring enough to keep up my GPA is stressful. Caring enough to try to write meaningful lessons when I have no students to actually teach them to is tiring. Caring enough to drive an hour to class with awful Texas drivers is aggravating. And caring enough to jump through impossibly high hoops that the department of education has thrown just might kill me.

And don't give me any of that, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" crap. I only believe that when I'm running. Speaking of running, all these things that I "care" about have made it pretty impossible to even dream of running. Because all I seem to be dreaming about lately is if my imaginary students have the schema to understand the fake unit I planned all out. I also have been dreaming a lot about showing up places having forgot something (usually an article of clothing - shoes, etc). I think this comes from the fact that I have 50 book reports due in a little over a month and I've only written 16 of them.

I'm sorry I'm being negative. But if I can't be negative and all "glass half-empty" on my blog, then where can I be? I'm sure it's because I'm tired. I tend to get cranky when I'm tired. And I don't think this 'tiredness' is going to go away until December.

Can I please just take a personal day from life?

Baby It's Cold Outside

2007-10-22T12:09:00.000-05:00

So, I'm back with more details about my weekend! Friday night was fun. Uneventful, but fun. Greg and I watched Friday Night Lights (yet another t.v. show that I'm obsessed with. Although it's nowhere near as exciting as Lost or as drama-filled as Grey's Anatomy, it's still so good). And then we talked. And then we went to bed...How exciting, right?

Saturday Riley decided she needed to wake me up nice and early. Like 7:30am. Which is crappy no matter which way you look at it. I skipped running (more on that later...it's a long, long story that I don't even know how it will end), so I attempted to sleep in 'til 8. Then I got up and planned out a long grocery list and meals for our week. I'm so, so excited about yummy, warm dinners in this COLD fall weather! (Seriously...it's cold here! It's overcast, rainy, windy, and 52° outside!) Anyways...Greg and I went to the grocery store and hurried back home so I could speed to downtown Austin and end up at the wedding site 20 minutes early...(this is the point where Greg would make fun of me for hating to be late, but we'll skip that part).

I was nervous for the wedding but strangely excited too! Allen got there at 4 (the time I was supposed to be there) and then set to work familiarizing me with the new camera and then we started shooting. I've never had 8 hours of "work" pass so quickly - I really, really enjoyed the wedding. At first, it was hard for me to be super creative because I was kind of nervous...but I think I started to get better towards the end of the night. Or at least I hope I did ;) Allen gave me a new lens to practice with and hopefully I'll really start improving. I'm very excited.

Now...about that running stuff. I'm pretty sure it's going to be impossible for me to do everything I want to do right now. Or actually, not just what I want, but also what I need to do. See, I have classes, work, a husband, a dog, a house (that really needs to be cleaned), dinners to be made, homework to be done, weddings on Saturdays, church on Sundays, and running 25+ miles a week...and hopefully some relaxation time in there too. So as of right now, marathon training is on hold. It's not physically possible for me to get up at 5 am, run 10-15 miles, and then work a wedding for 8-10 hours. I was exhausted, worn-out, and sore on Saturday - I can't imagine what that would've been like if I'd run 12 miles that morning too. I still want to run a marathon (I think)...but it may not happen this year. It may not happen ever...I'm still trying to figure all that out. I'm NOT giving up running though - you should still expect to hear more stores like "Dear Car-Honker" and lots more complaining...I'm just not going to be marathon-training anymore...or at least not for the next 5 weeks. I'll re-evaluate at that point in time.

I hope you're all having a great FALL day! It's freezing outside, but it feels so good. It makes me want to go get hot chocolate with marshmallows and sit in front of a warm fire. Or get cozy under lots of blankets with some good movies and then sip apple cider and eat soup. Did I mention how much I like fall yet?

P.S: Dustin, I promise I'm reading your blog. I just have been a bad commenter lately. So write on. :)

Real quick

2007-10-21T00:55:00.000-05:00

It's late, but I just wanted to post real quick and say that tonight was awesome! My feet are killing me and my back is achy, but I had so, so much fun! I don't even have a clue how my pictures turned out (hopefully well, but I probably won't know for awhile!)...Thanks for all your prayers :) I'll update more tomorrow.

What's wrong with me?

2007-10-15T21:37:00.000-05:00

I can't really figure out what's wrong with me. I've been in such a funk lately about running. I haven't run for over a week (which is going to KILL me when it comes time to run 12 miles on Saturday...I can feel it). I just can't seem to get myself motivated to actually go out there and run. It's always been something I've enjoyed doing, and I'm sure once I got out there running I'd be fine. But it's the actually getting my butt out the door part that I've been having trouble with lately.

I really want to get in 3 runs this week so that I'm not absolutely dying on Saturday. I can't tomorrow because I work all day and then we have COM group. Wednesday I WILL run in the morning, Thursday I WILL run after work, and Friday I WILL run after class.

Please hold me accountable.

On another note...please say a prayer for this family tonight. I've been following their saga (it starts about three pages back) for a few weeks and I just feel awful for them. I know that since I don't know them personally, I can't say that they're definitely innocent, but I feel in my heart that they are (and I can't imagine anyone taking the time out to write about such a hard topic if they were guilty). So just keep them in your prayers tonight.

I will run. I will run. I will run. I will run.

House Hunters

2007-10-13T20:22:00.000-05:00

Happy Saturday!

Greg and I looked at homes today...actual homes with real furniture, painted walls, more than one bedroom, bathroom, lots of counter space, a garage and a yard. I'm hooked. I've never been one to enjoy the whole apartment thing...I mean, we pay every month and what do we get? Well...yes, we do get a roof over our heads and everything, but we don't own anything. We have to deal with workers coming into our apartment whenever they want (which in reality isn't all that often...but still!) We have to deal with noisy neighbors and taking Riley down the stairs every time she needs to pee (which seems like it's every 10 minutes). I'm so ready to be in a house.

Granted it will probably be August before we're in one...but it just seems so much more real when you go look and can imagine yourself in one. We'll probably go to Leander or Cedar Park because the houses are significantly cheaper for the space than they are in Round Rock or Austin. I am in love with the Plantation homes. They're a bit more expensive than D.R. Horton...but so, so nice! This one is my favorite in pictures - they didn't have a model of it, but it seems like a nice fit!

I haven't run all week...That's not going to be fun tomorrow when I have to make up a 5 mile run that I intentionally missed this week. I just really haven't had any desire to go run at all. Like it's been the farthest thing from something I've wanted to do all week long...and that's really strange for me. I think part of it is because I was sore until Wednesday from my ten mile run (and my toenails STILL hurt if you push on them hard!)...I got fitted for new tennis shoes today and they have lots of room in the toes...So hopefully that means no more bruised toenails ;) I'm going to work really hard on getting my runs in this week. 13 miles on Saturday AND then a wedding from 3-11...yikes.

Pictures from Yesterday:

My pretty new car

The only hint of fall Texas will see this year

It's been a long, very fun, "last" Saturday for me :) And now it's time for bed!

Ten

2007-10-10T22:24:00.001-05:00

I don't think I've gushed enough lately on how much I love my church. We had this thing tonight called "Dinner for Ten" where ten people gathered at our pastor's home and hung out, talked, and ate good food. I can't even begin to describe how connected I feel and how many prayers of mine are being answered by God. I have longed for community for the past year or so and I just have felt like it's no where to be found. I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would lead me to a group of friends that were like me (and liked me!)...and I had resigned myself to thinking that God's answer to that prayer was "later" and that I needed to draw closer to him and lean on him to fulfill my needs...and then something drastic happened, we switched churches, and I'm experiencing an abundance of blessing from the Lord. It is amazing and I am so thankful for each and every second of it! I had started thinking that Greg and I were the only young married couple out there...and come to find out, we're not! Not only are we not the only young married couple, there are four others in our COM group and we met two others tonight! God is SO good!

I ran ten miles on Saturday...TEN! 10! DIEZ! I'm still finding it hard to fathom that my body can run 10 stinkin' miles...that's like my apartment to my parents house...and that's just crazy! I'm not gonna lie, I spent the better portion of Saturday sacked out in bed and complaining because my toenails hurt (yes...I'm serious. My toenails hurt SO bad), but I did it - I ran/walked for 2 hours and 40 minutes. And if we're gonna get technical about it, it was actually 10.69 miles - not just 10. I've now reached a new place in my running where I'm discovering new things. Like my size 8 running shoes really needed to be a size 8 1/2, and even though I just bought them in August, they are getting replaced this weekend so my toenails don't get smashed in the bottom of them. Or that seams on sleeveless shirts can be the most painful things in the world and cause gaping sores on the insides of your arms from chafing. Or that Gu is super nasty and sport beans don't really work. Or that Accelerade may give you more energy, but it tastes like dirt. Or that my Galloway group is amazing. Or that God can give you strength to run 5 more miles when you fall in a hole and roll your ankle on mile 5. Lessons learned are great :)

Ten days until my first wedding with Allen! I'm so excited, so nervous...I feel like it's almost too good to be true. I was talking to my mom on the phone this afternoon about how I feel like I'm just waiting for something to go wrong with that whole thing. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because something has gone "wrong" in every single job I've ever had and I've come to realize that people don't really keep good on their promises. But I feel like God is stretching me to trust and to enjoy hard work. I trust Allen completely and I trust that he is going to teach me more than I can imagine. I trust that God has plans that are SO much bigger than me...and that he's given me talents that I can use in spiritual ways. A few weekends ago a passion that I didn't even know I had hit me in the middle of church...whenever I get good at photography, I want to find a way to help people with it. Before you say that sounds silly, it's not. I want to use my gift to go to NICU and take pictures of premies who may or may not live. I want to go to the children's cancer center and give the gift of memories in print to parents who may lose their children. I want to give people the gift of amazing pictures who otherwise can't afford it. And I'm not sure where this desire is coming from (well, I'm pretty sure it's from God) because I've never had this thought before. And it makes me get so excited thinking about it :)

Tenth of the month...we've been married for seven whole months! Seven glorious, challenging, beautiful, surprising, exciting, take-my-breath-away months. And I couldn't be happier with my husband :) It's still sometimes weird to think that we're actually married. I know it's been 7 months and 200-odd days of it, but it seems like we were engaged for SO long and all I wanted to do was be married that it still sometimes seems surreal and dreamlike. I remember after we checked out of our hotel the day after the wedding and were on our way to Galveston that everything seemed like this huge dream. I was still operating on about four hours of sleep in 72 hours, so everything was kind of fuzzy around the edges...but it literally took weeks for the reality of everything to hit me. We got rushed into this whirlwind cruise where it seemed like we were playing house (or maybe that's what the anti-dizziness drugs did to me! ;)) And sometimes I wake up and feel like we're still just playing house...and then I get to smile and realize "hey...I have a husband!" and it's exciting :)

I pray that God will be big in your life, that he will answer prayers and give you passions that you didn't even know you had. I am praying for you today!!
Faithfully His,

Baby Rabies

2007-10-05T19:07:00.001-05:00

I have my longest run to date tomorrow...10 miles! I'm excited, but nervous for some reason. I guess part of it is that my group leader is running the Chicago marathon and she is so motivating...it will be weird to run without her! I've got my water, gatorade, and "sport beans" all ready to go. We're required to have some form of nutrition on this run...I was going to use Gu, but I tried some of my dad's and I thought I was going to throw up. It's so thick and...well...gooey (hence the name, right?). It's definitely not for me. We'll see how these jelly beans with electrolytes in them actually work on a long run.

I had a bad dream last night...well, it was actually a really really good dream. But bad that I was dreaming it. I dreamed that I had a daughter, like a two day old infant. And it was such a wonderful feeling! Greg wanted to name her SaraLee (like the bread!) but I kept telling him no - we'd already decided on girls names for the baby and we were going to name her Charlotte. But he wouldn't listen and was ready to put SaraLee Johnson on the birth certificate ;) It made me laugh when I woke up! But now, this darn dream has unleashed this feeling inside of me that says, "You're married now! Time to have babies!" And my logical side is going, "Uh. No it's not. You're only 22. The 'ten year plan' says you have to be 26 before it's time to have babies." Why do babies have to be so soft and cuddly? And they smell so good! (well, most of the time anyways). I have baby rabies.

I made bread today!! Like, old fashioned, kneading the dough, yummy, delicious bread! I think I ate half of it...lots of carbs...I need fuel for my run tomorrow though, right? I think I'm going to buy a lot of yeast and just start baking all my own bread. It's fun...and the smell of bread baking in the oven is sinful. And delightful. And it makes me happy.

I took a really cute picture of Riley a couple nights ago. I'm very proud of how my photography skills are coming along! I'm going to go to a horse show tomorrow and take some pictures - I'm so excited!

Have a happy weekend...Oh yeah, and Hook'em!!

Dear Car-Honker,

2007-10-03T21:49:00.001-05:00

I'm so very sorry that I gave you the wrong impression this morning while I was jogging. You see, three or four times a week, I put on my tank top, my running shorts, my tennis shoes, and my blue watch. And I go outside and I proceed to jog (and walk every three minutes, but that's beside the point.) And somehow, today, I gave you the impression that I was outside to do your eyes a favor. I'm so sorry for misleading you.

But while we're on the topic, I just thought you were oh so clever yelling, "I'd tap that ***" out your window while slowing down to watch me run. And for the record, I would like you to know, I want nothing to do with tapping you. Not even with a 10 foot pole. You can pass this message along to your friend who was nailing shingles onto a roof...His grunting at me and making obscene gestures really made me want to climb up his ladder as quick as I could, throw myself on him and have his babies. No really. It did. [please note my sarcasm - I actually secretly hoped that he would fall off the roof and break his arm].

You probably didn't notice it in all your haste to honk, whistle, yell, and do anything in your power to get my attention, but I wear this tiny little thing on the ring finger of my left hand while I'm running. It's got little diamonds on it and I'm actually quite fond of it. Now I know it's not exactly recognized in this day and age as anything of importance, but it is quite important to me. It means faithfulness. It means trust. It means love, hope, endurance, mercy, forgiveness, blood, sweat, tears. It means hard work. It means compromise. It means staying up until 3am to resolve an argument. It means sacrifice. And it sure as heck does not give you the right to hit on me while I am running. I am not eye-candy. I am NOT there for your pleasure. I am out there for mine. And I refuse to let YOU take the pleasure out of running for me.

So pick a different girl to hit on. Because you are getting nowhere with me. I'm devoted to my husband and more than that, I am devoted to GOD. And right now I'm praying that God will work in your heart in a severe way, because you need it.

Signed,
The blonde that you pissed off today.

It's October!!

2007-10-01T17:02:00.000-05:00

I'm so excited that it's October. And it's officially fall - my favorite time and month of the year! Greg and I were at Target on Friday night and we saw all these cute costumes in the Halloween section at the back of the store. They even had costumes for dogs! I really was hoping that they'd have a hot dog...I'm the mean mom that wants to put my "weenie" dog in a hot dog costume for Halloween! She would be too precious in it though. I may have to go search some more for one :)

This weekend was really fun. But definitely not long enough (are they ever?) My run on Saturday morning went REALLY well. We only did 4 miles because it was a track workout. The exercise we did was called the Magic Mile. You basically run a mile as fast as you can (but still stopping to take your walk breaks) and it tells you what a realistic time goal is to run the marathon in. My magic mile pace was 10:14 and according to that, a realistic time goal for me to run the marathon in is 5 hrs 44 min. I'm really not focused at ALL on time...just on finishing. But it was cool to think that if I do everything right in my training I could run a marathon in under 6 hours relatively easy.

I baked, took pictures, and cuddled with my husband pretty much all weekend. It was wonderful and SO relaxing! I was planning on making fall sugar cookies...but did you know that it's nearly impossible to make red icing? So I have yellow cookies, orange cookies, and pink cookies...and then since I couldn't make red I decided to just make a pretty blue instead. Greg says they're Easter cookies now. I say I don't care what they are, they're yummy! I'm really starting to understand settings on my camera well and it's becoming more "instinct" than me having to sit there and think "hmm...which way do I need to turn this dial now?" We watched Knocked Up too...which was funny. But had a lot of bad language and several scenes that definitely did not need to be in there! I really like Katherine Heigel...she's also on Grey's Anatomy (she plays Izzy) which I also really like.

I've been doing much better with contentment these past couple days. Every time I catch myself thinking, Ahh, I just want to be in a house already!! I think of how much easier it is for us to live in an apartment right now. There is no lawn to mow, no mortgage to pay, more reasonable electric prices, and our puppy can pee on the carpet and shred the carpet without us being too distraught over it all. Life is good and so is God!

Class is getting ready to start...I found out that I made a 94.8% on my first test (yay!!!) and I'm waiting to see what I made on my second. I think I did alright, but I definitely did not put 100% into it.

You are all in my prayers!

Manual is a scary world!

2007-09-28T22:33:00.000-05:00

I feel bad not blogging since Sunday...not for all you faithful readers (and friends/family!) but because I miss it! To catch you up since Sunday...

Monday: I took two hard tests and I'm pleased to announce that I think I did wonderfully on both of them! I also worked the book fair at UMHB and got two free books out of (and somehow came home with 7 books and 1 awesome cookbook)...That definitely fulfilled my "kid" side. I justified the picture books I bought by saying that I'd use them whenever we have kids. Which is like 5 years from now...but I will!!
Tuesday: Wonderful, wonderful COM group. I love my group. LOVE LOVE LOVE them. We talked about how we can be praying that God will be BIG in our lives and the lives of those around us...Be BIG God!
Wednesday: -drumroll please- I met with Allen and I'm going to start practicing to be a second shooter at his weddings! I'm so incredibly excited. So I rushed over to Barnes and Noble and bought a really neat book - Understanding Exposure. It's definitely made me understand manual on my camera...although it's still scary, it's less "What did I get myself into?" scary and more like, "Wow, this is a lot to learn but it's really cool" scary. I took a few pictures before reading where my exposure was pretty off.

This one is pretty good focus...a little dark though.

A little soft on Riley (she wiggles too much!) and it seems a tad overexposed to me.

VERY underexposed.

Thursday: Grey's came back on! I was very excited about that. And even more exciting - Greg came back home!! YAY!
Today: I sat down for about 4 hours this afternoon and really started to understand my [dad's] camera. I took lots of pictures (most of them are pretty boring because they're exercises in my book), but I got some really cute (and technically pretty good) pictures. Understanding manual is more of a "Hey, I think I can actually do this," thing for me now...and I'm really excited that my pictures look SO much better technically than they did in Auto.

Riley is one of my favorite subjects...I figure that if I can get her in focus, then I can get anything in focus because she's so wiggly!

And one more cute one of Riley.

Tomorrow is running. And my alarm is going off this time, gosh darn it! (I should be asleep right now though).

One last thing before I go. Dustin proposed a question - what do I think will abide in my pursuit for contentment. I thought about that for a long time tonight...and I still haven't really come up with a concrete answer. I think that taking my thoughts captive, like he mentioned, is a good idea, but in actuality it's so much easier said than done. I've been struggling for a long, long time with body image and I try so hard to take my thoughts captive. But sometimes I get discouraged and I forget about taking my thoughts captive and it spirals downward to me feeling absolutely awful about myself for a few days. Greg encourages me so much to be aware of what I'm thinking and I really, really fight and struggle with that.

I think one thing that might help me is listing (either mentally, on here, or in my actual journal) all the things that I'm thankful for or that happened in the previous 24 hours that were exciting and fun. Sometimes I get so caught up in the future that I forget how much fun I'm having in the present! What am I thankful for today?

- Health insurance.
- A wedding gift card to Target that we forgot about (and the hand-mixer, food processor, and board game that we got with it!)
- A wonderful dad who lets me borrow his camera whenever I want.
- Friday's off from work.
- A husband who lets me pick where we eat (Chick-fil-A!)
- A clean apartment.
- A king-size bed.
- My new non-gas guzzling car that is very pretty.
- Blessings from God.

I think that really will help me live in the present more :)

I need to go get in bed now so I can be bright-eyed (sort-of) and bushy-tailed in the morning...whoever thought up that saying? It's kind of silly and it makes me laugh.

I pray that God blesses you abundantly today!

All By Myself

2007-09-22T21:53:00.000-05:00

This morning just started off bad. I was tired from last night and my alarm never went off to wake me up for my running group. I woke up around 7:15 and was so upset because I knew they'd already be on the road (we leave at 7am sharp!) and there was no hope of me getting to the Runtex off Lake Austin Blvd. in time to catch up with them.

So I drug out my Nike + iPod system, filled up my water bottles, got my workout playlist all ready to go and proceeded to run the 9 miles my group was running together all by myself. I wasn't too optimistic about this run...I've never done 9 miles before...and I really haven't done anything over 7 all by myself. But I hit the road, ran three minutes, walked one minute, all the way up Wells Branch to 35, then back down Wells Branch to MoPac, and then home. It ended up being about 8.79 miles and I did have to stop and walk the last quarter mile or so home...but I did it! I was shocked, honestly, that my body can run 9 miles in about an hour and a half (And that I can burn 989 calories...thats almost a days worth!!)

I admit, I did get a bit pessimistic on the way home when I was hurting. 26 miles is SO much longer than 9. And I started thinking If I'm hurting this much now, how on EARTH will I ever be able to do 26 miles? But I think that's just it...EARTH has nothing to do with it. Heaven and grace and GOD have everything to do with it. Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." That says all things. Not just some things. That means I can run 26 miles through Christ. And I can witness to people through Christ (even when I'm scared). And I can make it through the rest of college through Christ. That gives me such great hope and such great joy!

I've been struggling so much with contentment lately. Not that my life isn't wonderful...I have an amazing husband, family, puppy, church, and God. But my mind is having trouble living in the moment. I catch myself thinking all the time, Oh, I can't wait until we can move out of this tiny apartment! or I really wish I was done with school and could start my REAL job now...then my life would really begin. or I can't wait until Greg and I are financially able to have kids...and I remember that before we were married I couldn't wait for the wedding, and before we were engaged I was dying to be his "fiancee." I just want to be content with the now...and I'm struggling and battling with myself to be here. To be in this moment and no where else. And that is much easier said than done!

I am all over the place tonight. I blame it on memorizing 5 pages front and back (literally, no exaggerating here!) for my Children's Lit test on Monday. I'm only on page 3. But I think I'm done for the night...when your head starts spinning and the definition that you've just written down five times in order to make yourself memorize it really isn't making sense anymore, it's time to quit.

Greg is going out of town tomorrow and I'm really going to miss him. At least he is only gone until Thursday (Grey's Anatomy season premier night!) and then I get to have him back at home ;) Since I'm such a chicken, I'm staying with my mom for the week. Didn't you know? Whenever I'm home alone by myself I hear things. Creepy things. Like people walking up the stairs (that we don't have) or people trying to get into my apartment to kidnap me. And of course the double locks we have on our door just won't do. So off to mommy and daddy's house it is ;)

Before I leave, I have a video to share of the cutest puppy in the entire world. It makes me smile :)

I hope that made you smile!

Don't let the bed bugs bite!

In Awe :)

2007-09-20T20:44:00.000-05:00

I'm so sorry I've been slacking lately on posting. There has been SO much going on and God is simply amazing :)

And of course, I really don't have time to write tonight either because Greg is going out of town on Sunday for four whole nights, so once I get my homework done we're going to actually sit down and talk without the TV on...what a novel concept!

I would appreciate prayer...lots of it! I have a possible opportunity to work with/for the guy who photographed our wedding. I really, really need direction because I know that this is what I want...but I don't know for sure that this is what God wants yet. It would be so great to learn photography from him...and it would mean I could possibly do photography as a business/job later in life (meaning I wouldn't have to be a complete stay at home mom...I could have some form of income coming in!)...but it also means Saturday's away from home. And we're newlyweds. And well...those our our days together. They are our days to be lazy, to sleep in, to clean, to watch movies, and of course to watch Grey's Anatomy on DVD (because I force my poor husband to do this with me ;)) But at the same time it is something that I wasn't looking for in the least, and Allen is like this amazing photographer. He could teach me so much. So yes...please, please pray for me :)

And just a humongous praise to God. We have found a church, and in the two and a half weeks that we have been going there I feel more connected than I did in eleven years at The Fellowship. That is huge for me...I feel like I'm finally on my way to having a community of believers surround me in friendship and love. We went to a COM group on Tuesday night and we just fit so well. God is good.

That's all for tonight.

In Christ,

'Til Kingdom Come

2007-09-13T22:12:00.000-05:00

I found a really neat Coldplay song tonight while I was taking a break from writing copious amounts of lesson plans. I really don't have much to say tonight (probably because lesson planning is sucking the life out of me), so I'm just going to post the lyrics to the song and a few pictures that make me happy. You should download it - it makes me smile.

Steal my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time, my time has come
Let me in, unlock the door
I've never felt this way before

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don't know which way I'm going
I don't know which way I've come

Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you, I've waited all these years

For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn't change a single thing

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don't know which way I'm going
I don't know what I'll become

For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

- 'Til Kingdom Come by Coldplay

Just smile,

Things I've Learned in Six Months

2007-09-11T21:37:00.000-05:00

I was going to post this yesterday, since yesterday was our six month anniversary (insert "awwww" here)...but I got so darn busy with school and quizzes, and more school that I didn't even get on the computer until I got home at 10:00...and then I was just too tired and lazy. But I'm not now!! So here is a list of things I've learned in the last six amazingly wonderful months.

1. Stealing covers and being a bed-hog in a King size bed isn't something to brag about.

2. Husband never gets anywhere on wife's clock. His clock runs 10-15 minutes behind wife's...Wife is of the school of thought that if you're early, you're on time...if you're on time, you're late...and if you're late, you shouldn't even bother showing up. Husband is of the school of thought that 5 minutes late is "fashionably" late. And this will drive wife nuts.

3. Do not eat everything husband eats. You will get fat. And then you'll complain about getting fat, and husband doesn't particularly like complaining.

4. Hints don't work. If wife wants kitchen cleaned, wife must say, "Husband, please clean the kitchen while I'm gone." Otherwise, it is not fair for wife to get mad at husband when she specifically said before she left, "Oh, I really wish the kitchen was cleaned!"

5. Wife's need for sleep on weeknights isn't recognized, although husband's need to sleep-in late on weekends better be recognized or a fight might ensue.

6. The nights when wife is the most tired and just wants to go to sleep the most will be the nights when husband gets crabby about wife's in-bed-at-9-so-wife-can-be-up-at-5 policy and will pick a fight with her.

7. A gallon of milk for the week isn't enough. Sometimes two isn't even enough. (and wife doesn't drink milk).

8. If wife makes even a teensy-tiny mess, husband will harass her about it.

9. Husband will set alarm at 6:30 when he needs to be up at 7...and then let it go off...and off...and off...and off. This will drive wife NUTS!

10. Every once in awhile, husband will do something really sweet like bring home flowers, or write a sweet note...and this makes wife smile.

I love ya sweetie ;) Those are all in good fun...even though every single one of them is true and you know it! For all others...sorry for the sappy/sarcastic entry. Back to business tomorrow as usual.

L is for the way you look tonight,

We were called to love...right?

2007-09-09T20:50:00.000-05:00

We went to The Vista in Round Rock this morning...it was really nice and I think it's going to be a really great fit for us. But it's weird and hard for me to even think about going to a new church.

Let's start with some background...I've always grown up in a Godly family, and for as long as I can remember, I've prayed before falling asleep at night. When I was younger, my parents and I prayed together, but as I got older I gradually started doing it on my own. When we moved to Round Rock way back in the day (like 11 years ago), my mom found this ad in the paper advertising for The Fellowship. We went to church. I was appalled at the idea of getting out of bed at 8:30am on a Sunday, but I did it anyway. I forgot my glasses, so I couldn't see the big projector screen and all the faces were real fuzzy...It was Disciple Now weekend, so Kirk Crawford spoke (he was the youth minister at the time) and two girls from the youth group sang this song called What Would Jesus Do?...crazy, but I still remember the words. It went something like:

What would Jesus do?
Where would Jesus go?
I want to go there to...

...anyways, we started going there every Sunday. We fell in love with Roddy; we fell in love with that church. There were ups and downs. We went through two different youth pastors while I was there and I even left during my Junior year of High School to go to another church because I needed a youth program at that time.

Fast forward to now...I won't go into everything that has happened at the Fellowship because it's a long story and it doesn't need to be broadcast over the internet even more than it already has with the media. But church isn't the church anymore. I know that a man doesn't make the church...I could probably still go there without him preaching and teaching, even though he was a phenomenal speaker and totally captivated me. But I can't go there when the church that I grew up in, found myself in, and was loved in kicked an entire family to the curb and refused to love them like Jesus would.

Don't get me wrong. He sinned in a BIG, BIG way. And I'm so mad that his sin has caused the church to be broadcast all over the news - what unchurched people in Austin want to go to that church now? But in my eleven years of church-going, I've learned one truth that has stuck with me like glue. We are meant to love people. That is the greatest commandment after all, isn't it? To love others and to love God...Well, I'm sorry, but I have NOT seen love in that church. I've seen anger. I've seen hurt. I've seen mistrust. I have not, even for one second seen mercy. Or love. Or forgiveness. My sin is no worse than his. I have a particularly big struggle with body image issues - he has a particularly big struggle with money. There is nothing...nothing that I have done that is worse than what he has done. They are equal in the eyes of God.

The Fellowship had two options - to love or not to love. They chose not to love, and now this is going to be played out in a different arena and come to a different outcome than it would have if they had chosen to love. How is he supposed to pay restitution if he's sitting in a jail cell for 99 years. He has daughters. He has a wife. And all of them; all FOUR of them were cast aside like worthless trash. I love them...and I will continue to love them until my GOD tells me that I am sinning by doing this.

Back to present day. I want to get connected again...but I'm so scared. Never, ever have I been scared of a church. I want to think that this church will be different...that I won't invest eleven years of my life into it only to have it ripped at the seams by a phone call from my mom on a Saturday night during my vacation. I want to be open, but I'm so scared.

I want community. I want friends that I matter to. I want to be a person who is open, who isn't scared. But right now I'm just not. I'm broken and I'm beaten and I'm tired and I feel like I'm just not winning this race. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen; I'm waiting for my life to start. I don't want to feel like that anymore...I want to be happy where I am. I want to be surrounded by people that I love and who will love me back. But where do I go from here?

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insult, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

In Christ,

iHurt

2007-09-08T16:16:00.000-05:00

That's right, I hurt. I hurt badly. 6 miles today was not just any old six miles...It was six miles of HILLS. If you know Austin, you know these hills. Like the one down by Mozart's off of Enfield? I kicked that thing's butt! But now, many, many hours after my run, it is kicking my butt (quite literally...and my feet, and my hips, and well...my whole body.)

If you haven't figured out by now, my run was a little bit of a killer. I had everything going against me - I didn't run this week (bad mistake #1), I didn't hydrate before the run (really, really bad mistake #2), and in the 11-12 minute mile group, we started out and hit those Austin hills with a 9:30 pace WITH walk breaks...that means we were running around a 8:30 to 8:40 mile (really, really, really bad mistake #3 and stupid mistake #1). Then there was the heat and humidity factor. Remember me talking about fall a few posts back? Yeah, fall is gone. It's dead. It was replaced by 83° heat at 7:00 in the morning. Oh, and this blanket - yes you read right - blanket of humidity. I was drenched in sweat by the end of my run - soaking wet from head to toe.

Lessons learned? You betcha. First of all, I will never, ever again in the 20-something weeks left of this program and in the rest of my life leave my house to run without drinking at least a glass of water. That put me in such a bad position! I downed all the water in my hydration belt (21 oz.) in the first 3 miles. When we had a water stop, I had to refill my bottles and then I downed all that in the next 3 miles. And then after the run, I had at least 3 Ozarka bottles of water, plus some when I got home...and I'm STILL thirsty. Bad, bad bad.

Lesson number two. Never again will I be "too tired" to run during the week. Thirty minutes is all that is required of me, not a lifetime! I think I can squeeze in thirty minutes to keep my endurance up.

Lesson number three. If my pace group is being competitive and thinking that we need to keep up with the 4:1 group (four minutes running, one minute walking; I'm in the 3 :1 group), then I will fall back into the slow 3:1 group. Because there is nothing more horrible than having a quarter of a mile left to go and feeling like every muscle in your body is glued to the ground with some super sticky super-glue.

7 miles next week on the "scenic" route...which I have a sneaking suspicion means more hills ;)

Here's to Austin!

TGIF!!

2007-09-07T20:01:00.000-05:00

Today is Friday, woohoo! That means sleeping in...'til 6:00am that is. And then I'm off to run 6 miles with the Galloway Group! I am so excited. I love that group. And I really do love running. Even though I didn't get in my 2 30-minute runs this week...shhh, don't tell Will! I know I should have gotten the runs in, but I was tired. And then on Thursday my ankle was a little bit sore and I didn't really want to push it (though I probably could have and been totally fine). So tomorrow might be really, really difficult. And if it is, I only have myself to blame. My plan for this coming week is:

Monday: workout in Mayborn from 12:30-1:30 (gives me plenty of time to shower and get ready before class at 3.
Tuesday: run from 7-8
Wednesday: Rest, maybe some abs or swimming
Thursday: run from 7-8
Friday: workout in Mayborn from 1:30-2:30

Anyways...enough about that.

I've decided that I desperately want to be a stay at home mom many, many years down the road when we decide to have kids. Working at a daycare will do that to you. Don't get me wrong - I love my kids at school to death. But I feel SO bad for them when they're sick and mom is "with a patient and can't come for another two hours." You've got to be kidding me!! What patient on earth is worth leaving your own flesh and blood at daycare with a 102.3 fever. In my opinion, not one single thing on earth is worth leaving your baby sick without comfort from home. I don't care if we have to start setting money aside now for it to be financially possible in four or five years...I just can't bear to think about dropping my six week old baby off at daycare so I can go teach from 8:30 to 4:30...it's just not gonna happen.

I mentioned horses in my last post, but I never posted any pictures! So here are some of my favorites...

Meet Winston aka Behind the Smiles. He was the first horse I ever owned and the love of my life (aside from Greg, of course!)

We liked to go to horse shows together. Except for that one time when he bucked me off right in front of the judges stand, but we won't talk about that.

He was gorgeous. I wish I knew where he was now just so I could see how he's aged. I guess he'd be like...13 or 14 now?

Meet Austin aka Butthead. I frequently made this scared-to-death face on him. He was the first horse I jumped high on.

Next, meet Stealth. He was so much fun to ride and jump!

This is Avante. Don't let the pretty eyes fool you - she and I had a love-hate relationship. I loved how pretty she was, but I hated her when she bucked me off, or pinned her ears, or tried to buck me off...which was pretty much every time I even came near her with a saddle. I got her back into shape...fat horsies don't like to be ridden very much!

Avante again...note the pinned ears and the generally displeased look she is giving me.

Finally, there is Nezzie. She was my neighbor's horse who I trained a little bit. We got along really well until she moved to Liberty Hill.

Nezzie again...such a good girl!

That concludes my travel back into time. I hope you enjoyed it! I'll be back tomorrow with updates on how 6 miles went. Cross your fingers and pray for me!!

Happy Friday to You,

Rainy Tuesday

2007-09-04T20:19:00.001-05:00

For some reason, my mind thinks it should be fall. I love fall. Okay, so I guess September technically qualifies as fall, but it's Texas...and fall doesn't come until like Thanksgiving or sometimes even Christmas. But goodness, this rain and cool weather today has got me dreaming of Halloween. I have a serious obsession with that holiday. I hate that some people make it all demonic; I for one only like the things I associate with it - like jumping into a huge pile of orange, red, brown, and yellow leaves in Chicago that my dad had just raked in our front yard (and then getting tickled for doing so!), drinking spiced apple cider and hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows, and going to a pumpkin patch and picking out my very own pumpkin. I remember having Halloween parties at the barn, dressing up horses and then riding around in the crisp October air. Bonfires at the barn after our Halloween horse show is one of my best memories from middle school. I remember sitting at football games and cheering (even though I had no clue what actually happened in football until college). I love carving pumpkins and I especially love seeing all those adorable kids in their Halloween costumes. I think I have an obsession. And I'm so excited for October to get here!

Mmm...I miss horseback riding. I miss so much the rush of flying over 3' jumps on a powerful horse. I miss the sweet smell of grain and hay at feeding time. I miss spending hours upon hours in a grooming stall brushing my horse until he was bright as a penny. I miss the sound horseshoes make on a concrete floor. I miss taking trail rides in the field and galloping down the hills. I think most of all, I miss that connection that a girl can only have with a horse - that complete trust. One day...one day soon, I will ride again. It is a passion, and if you are passionate about something, you know that you never can never be 100% content unless that passion is in your life.

Work was work...again. I'm trying to stay positive about my crappy schedule. Trying so hard and getting so, so frustrated at the same time. I'm trying to shut up while I'm there. It would be too easy to just shut my mouth and not complain, but for some reason I like to make things difficult for myself. It would also be too easy to not eat work food. I swear they are trying to make me fat - all those greasy, buttery, fattening foods that they feed to the kids. And then they make us sit down while the kids our eating and my stomach is growling and I fall into the temptation of taking "just one bite" of whatever it is that we're having for lunch or snack and then it's all downhill from there.

I'm done for now...well, almost. One picture to share. Wherever we're going, Riley wants to go too!!

Goodnight, sleep tight,

Cheater, Cheater, Doughnut Eater

2007-09-03T20:07:00.001-05:00

I just had a sinfully delicious cake doughnut from HEB. I'm sure it probably had more calories in it than I care to imagine. I battled with it in my mind for a few minutes, but alas, the cake doughnut won. I told my wonderful husband not to buy them. They weren't on our list and I have this love-hate relationship with them. But he insisted. And I cheated.

Speaking of my other half...he is watching Justin Timberlake on HBO right now. I had to walk away in disgust, shield my eyes and laugh a little bit. My macho man is watching a girly singing, dancing, pretty boy on HBO and is absolutely mesmerized. Okay, maybe not absolutely...but he's pretty darn into it.

I promised UT game pictures yesterday, and I am delivering now. Be forewarned, the quality of most of these pictures leaves a LOT to be desired. My attention to detail and all the technicalities flew out the window when I saw a mob of burnt orange from the fourth floor of parking garage Q.

We have our hook'em horns down there somewhere in the picture. But my wonderful self-portrait camera skills cut them off. Matt will be happy.

Yes, defense! What a novel thing. We could've used some of that on Saturday night.

I'm not sure the technical football jargon for this. But I think it's a cool picture nonetheless.

Last one for now...Yay for an orange tower!

That's all for now. Tomorrow is back to work...I'm smiling when I say that, I promise.

Goodbye Labor Day,

Bad Blogger

2007-09-03T02:06:00.000-05:00

I've been a bad blogger. I haven't posted in oh, four or so months? Bad blogger. But I'm back, and I'm committed. See, I need somewhere to record my thoughts about running and somewhere to go when my dear husband is playing Xbox or watching Flight of the Concords (which I do not find the least bit entertaining!)

Speaking of running. Saturday marked 5 miles with my group! I didn't even feel like I was running hardly at all. Let's hope that keeps up when we get into 18 and 22 mile workouts. But seriously...I've never had so much fun running before, and I have loved running since my freshman year of college! It used to be an escape from things...now, it is a social hour for me where I get to chat with people of all different walks of life while doing one of my favorite things...running! I even got giddy and excited over my new "girly" Ironman watch because I can set intervals on it. Yay for new watches, running, and Austin.

Classes are going well, work is as good as it's going to get for the next few months, and Greg and I are in the process of searching for a church. We went to the UT game last night (pictures to come later!) and so we were slackers...or I was a slacker, and we didn't go to church this morning. We're definitely going next weekend though. I pray that God will bless us with a group of friends. I need people. I need girl friends who I matter to and who matter to me. I need people that will notice if I'm not at church on Sunday and will call to check up on me later. And I know that God will fulfill my need for community. It's just a matter of me being patient and realizing that HIS timing is PERFECT. That's something I'm still working on.

It is bedtime for me, Riley, and Greg tonight! I promise to be back soon with more news from this little apartment in Austin, Texas.

In Christ Alone,

First post

2007-04-30T19:40:00.000-05:00

I miss having a journal to write in, so I've created this one. I think it will mostly be a photo blog so I can share my pictures with family and friends.

Saturday was Matt's prom. He's seriously turned into one of the best teenagers I know (and of course, I'm not biased at all...). I went with my mom and took TONS of pictures of him! He and his date looked awesome together and from what I hear, they had tons of fun too! Here are some of my favorite pictures:

I had a lot of fun taking those pictures! More to come of other events soon! :)