Surrender

I never realized what a complete control-freak I am until it came time to plan my wedding. I've always known that I prefer to be in the driver's seat when it comes to doing things (I mean, who else can do something as perfectly as me?), but when it came time to plan my wedding I became a to-do list freak. I timed, down to the second, when my bridesmaids would walk down the aisle. I made an itinerary that was at least 5 pages long for all of our wedding party...and I still agonize nearly a year later that I told the ushers to be in the wrong place at the right time and they ended up missing out on our formal pictures. I was such a control-freak that when I left to get my hair done on the morning of the wedding, my loving aunts, uncles, cousins, and bridesmaids were panicking asking Jen whether I wanted pink AND green jelly beans on all tables, or just one corresponding color. And then there was a near meltdown when they ran out of jelly beans. And guess who didn't even realize there were jelly beans at the reception until she got professional pictures back? Yep, that's right, the control freak BRIDE!

I think this control issue has only gotten worse since the wedding. And now it's started to apply to my relationship with God. I'm not sure why I think it's okay to be in the driver's seat when I'm riding in the car with God, but for some reason, I've come to think this. Today, Jeff did a sermon called "Chase the Lion." It was about doing things that are destined to fail without the help of some divine intervention...and it really got me thinking. I have some serious issues in my life that need to be surrendered to God...one particular thing that will never be resolved unless God takes a hold and shows me how to let go.

Ever since 5th grade, I have had horrible self-esteem and self-image issues. Do you know how sad it is that a 10-year-old thought that she needed to lose weight? That makes 12 years of me hating myself, the way I looked on the outside, and the way I felt about myself on the inside. This issue is so big that I really don't remember a time when I wasn't thinking about my weight. I know there has to be a time when my little, carefree mind wanted nothing to do with the reflection in the mirror, but I honestly can't remember a time like that. I rate every picture I see of myself on how "skinny" I look in it. If I don't live up to my own impossibly high standards, then it's a bad picture. This "issue" has even pushed me towards anorexia and doing stupid, stupid stuff to make myself look "better." And to be honest? I'm never going to look like Heidi Klum or any of the other Victoria's Secret models. I'm athletic. And I have my dad's calves (Lord, please help my children!). And I rode horses and swam for years. I've got some muscles!

So this morning, I decided to pass this problem of mine over to God. I'm so tired of living life this way. I'm so tired of constantly thinking that I need to be better; that I need to be prettier, or skinnier, or taller, or faster, or stronger. There's never going to be a number on the scale that is "perfect" for me and I'm never going to get to a point where I'm thin enough...unless God takes control. And I can't describe the terror that runs through me at the thought of letting go. That seems so silly too...why should I be scared to let my GOD take control? One part is fear of the unknown...What happens if I stop constantly finding something to improve on; what if I spiral out of control the other way and end up incredibly overweight? The other big part of my fear is because I don't know how to let go...I don't know how to take a step forward. I have spent so long hating myself that I've forgotten what is involved in loving myself.

This morning Jeff talked about how there are two parts to learning - one is taking in new information and the other is "un-learning" all the wrong information. I've got 12 years worth of un-learning to start...I have to un-learn that every time I get in front of the mirror is a time to critique my appearance. I have to un-learn that the numbers on the scale matter. I have to un-learn that a dress size matters. I have to un-learn that a six-pack is what matters. Most importantly I have to LEARN that my husband, my family, and my GOD think that I am beautiful, inside and out.

Please, please pray for me. I've always thought that I was always going to have to deal with this problem; I never thought that it could be gone. I need God to show me how to let go, how to love, and how to accept the way he created me.

Ten

I don't think I've gushed enough lately on how much I love my church. We had this thing tonight called "Dinner for Ten" where ten people gathered at our pastor's home and hung out, talked, and ate good food. I can't even begin to describe how connected I feel and how many prayers of mine are being answered by God. I have longed for community for the past year or so and I just have felt like it's no where to be found. I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would lead me to a group of friends that were like me (and liked me!)...and I had resigned myself to thinking that God's answer to that prayer was "later" and that I needed to draw closer to him and lean on him to fulfill my needs...and then something drastic happened, we switched churches, and I'm experiencing an abundance of blessing from the Lord. It is amazing and I am so thankful for each and every second of it! I had started thinking that Greg and I were the only young married couple out there...and come to find out, we're not! Not only are we not the only young married couple, there are four others in our COM group and we met two others tonight! God is SO good!

I ran ten miles on Saturday...TEN! 10! DIEZ! I'm still finding it hard to fathom that my body can run 10 stinkin' miles...that's like my apartment to my parents house...and that's just crazy! I'm not gonna lie, I spent the better portion of Saturday sacked out in bed and complaining because my toenails hurt (yes...I'm serious. My toenails hurt SO bad), but I did it - I ran/walked for 2 hours and 40 minutes. And if we're gonna get technical about it, it was actually 10.69 miles - not just 10. I've now reached a new place in my running where I'm discovering new things. Like my size 8 running shoes really needed to be a size 8 1/2, and even though I just bought them in August, they are getting replaced this weekend so my toenails don't get smashed in the bottom of them. Or that seams on sleeveless shirts can be the most painful things in the world and cause gaping sores on the insides of your arms from chafing. Or that Gu is super nasty and sport beans don't really work. Or that Accelerade may give you more energy, but it tastes like dirt. Or that my Galloway group is amazing. Or that God can give you strength to run 5 more miles when you fall in a hole and roll your ankle on mile 5. Lessons learned are great :)

Ten days until my first wedding with Allen! I'm so excited, so nervous...I feel like it's almost too good to be true. I was talking to my mom on the phone this afternoon about how I feel like I'm just waiting for something to go wrong with that whole thing. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because something has gone "wrong" in every single job I've ever had and I've come to realize that people don't really keep good on their promises. But I feel like God is stretching me to trust and to enjoy hard work. I trust Allen completely and I trust that he is going to teach me more than I can imagine. I trust that God has plans that are SO much bigger than me...and that he's given me talents that I can use in spiritual ways. A few weekends ago a passion that I didn't even know I had hit me in the middle of church...whenever I get good at photography, I want to find a way to help people with it. Before you say that sounds silly, it's not. I want to use my gift to go to NICU and take pictures of premies who may or may not live. I want to go to the children's cancer center and give the gift of memories in print to parents who may lose their children. I want to give people the gift of amazing pictures who otherwise can't afford it. And I'm not sure where this desire is coming from (well, I'm pretty sure it's from God) because I've never had this thought before. And it makes me get so excited thinking about it :)

Tenth of the month...we've been married for seven whole months! Seven glorious, challenging, beautiful, surprising, exciting, take-my-breath-away months. And I couldn't be happier with my husband :) It's still sometimes weird to think that we're actually married. I know it's been 7 months and 200-odd days of it, but it seems like we were engaged for SO long and all I wanted to do was be married that it still sometimes seems surreal and dreamlike. I remember after we checked out of our hotel the day after the wedding and were on our way to Galveston that everything seemed like this huge dream. I was still operating on about four hours of sleep in 72 hours, so everything was kind of fuzzy around the edges...but it literally took weeks for the reality of everything to hit me. We got rushed into this whirlwind cruise where it seemed like we were playing house (or maybe that's what the anti-dizziness drugs did to me! ;)) And sometimes I wake up and feel like we're still just playing house...and then I get to smile and realize "hey...I have a husband!" and it's exciting :)

I pray that God will be big in your life, that he will answer prayers and give you passions that you didn't even know you had. I am praying for you today!!
Faithfully His,

In Awe :)

I'm so sorry I've been slacking lately on posting. There has been SO much going on and God is simply amazing :)

And of course, I really don't have time to write tonight either because Greg is going out of town on Sunday for four whole nights, so once I get my homework done we're going to actually sit down and talk without the TV on...what a novel concept!

I would appreciate prayer...lots of it! I have a possible opportunity to work with/for the guy who photographed our wedding. I really, really need direction because I know that this is what I want...but I don't know for sure that this is what God wants yet. It would be so great to learn photography from him...and it would mean I could possibly do photography as a business/job later in life (meaning I wouldn't have to be a complete stay at home mom...I could have some form of income coming in!)...but it also means Saturday's away from home. And we're newlyweds. And well...those our our days together. They are our days to be lazy, to sleep in, to clean, to watch movies, and of course to watch Grey's Anatomy on DVD (because I force my poor husband to do this with me ;)) But at the same time it is something that I wasn't looking for in the least, and Allen is like this amazing photographer. He could teach me so much. So yes...please, please pray for me :)

And just a humongous praise to God. We have found a church, and in the two and a half weeks that we have been going there I feel more connected than I did in eleven years at The Fellowship. That is huge for me...I feel like I'm finally on my way to having a community of believers surround me in friendship and love. We went to a COM group on Tuesday night and we just fit so well. God is good.

That's all for tonight.

In Christ,

We were called to love...right?

We went to The Vista in Round Rock this morning...it was really nice and I think it's going to be a really great fit for us. But it's weird and hard for me to even think about going to a new church.

Let's start with some background...I've always grown up in a Godly family, and for as long as I can remember, I've prayed before falling asleep at night. When I was younger, my parents and I prayed together, but as I got older I gradually started doing it on my own. When we moved to Round Rock way back in the day (like 11 years ago), my mom found this ad in the paper advertising for The Fellowship. We went to church. I was appalled at the idea of getting out of bed at 8:30am on a Sunday, but I did it anyway. I forgot my glasses, so I couldn't see the big projector screen and all the faces were real fuzzy...It was Disciple Now weekend, so Kirk Crawford spoke (he was the youth minister at the time) and two girls from the youth group sang this song called What Would Jesus Do?...crazy, but I still remember the words. It went something like:

What would Jesus do?
Where would Jesus go?
I want to go there to...

...anyways, we started going there every Sunday. We fell in love with Roddy; we fell in love with that church. There were ups and downs. We went through two different youth pastors while I was there and I even left during my Junior year of High School to go to another church because I needed a youth program at that time.

Fast forward to now...I won't go into everything that has happened at the Fellowship because it's a long story and it doesn't need to be broadcast over the internet even more than it already has with the media. But church isn't the church anymore. I know that a man doesn't make the church...I could probably still go there without him preaching and teaching, even though he was a phenomenal speaker and totally captivated me. But I can't go there when the church that I grew up in, found myself in, and was loved in kicked an entire family to the curb and refused to love them like Jesus would.

Don't get me wrong. He sinned in a BIG, BIG way. And I'm so mad that his sin has caused the church to be broadcast all over the news - what unchurched people in Austin want to go to that church now? But in my eleven years of church-going, I've learned one truth that has stuck with me like glue. We are meant to love people. That is the greatest commandment after all, isn't it? To love others and to love God...Well, I'm sorry, but I have NOT seen love in that church. I've seen anger. I've seen hurt. I've seen mistrust. I have not, even for one second seen mercy. Or love. Or forgiveness. My sin is no worse than his. I have a particularly big struggle with body image issues - he has a particularly big struggle with money. There is nothing...nothing that I have done that is worse than what he has done. They are equal in the eyes of God.

The Fellowship had two options - to love or not to love. They chose not to love, and now this is going to be played out in a different arena and come to a different outcome than it would have if they had chosen to love. How is he supposed to pay restitution if he's sitting in a jail cell for 99 years. He has daughters. He has a wife. And all of them; all FOUR of them were cast aside like worthless trash. I love them...and I will continue to love them until my GOD tells me that I am sinning by doing this.

Back to present day. I want to get connected again...but I'm so scared. Never, ever have I been scared of a church. I want to think that this church will be different...that I won't invest eleven years of my life into it only to have it ripped at the seams by a phone call from my mom on a Saturday night during my vacation. I want to be open, but I'm so scared.

I want community. I want friends that I matter to. I want to be a person who is open, who isn't scared. But right now I'm just not. I'm broken and I'm beaten and I'm tired and I feel like I'm just not winning this race. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen; I'm waiting for my life to start. I don't want to feel like that anymore...I want to be happy where I am. I want to be surrounded by people that I love and who will love me back. But where do I go from here?

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insult, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

In Christ,

Bad Blogger

I've been a bad blogger. I haven't posted in oh, four or so months? Bad blogger. But I'm back, and I'm committed. See, I need somewhere to record my thoughts about running and somewhere to go when my dear husband is playing Xbox or watching Flight of the Concords (which I do not find the least bit entertaining!)

Speaking of running. Saturday marked 5 miles with my group! I didn't even feel like I was running hardly at all. Let's hope that keeps up when we get into 18 and 22 mile workouts. But seriously...I've never had so much fun running before, and I have loved running since my freshman year of college! It used to be an escape from things...now, it is a social hour for me where I get to chat with people of all different walks of life while doing one of my favorite things...running! I even got giddy and excited over my new "girly" Ironman watch because I can set intervals on it. Yay for new watches, running, and Austin.

Classes are going well, work is as good as it's going to get for the next few months, and Greg and I are in the process of searching for a church. We went to the UT game last night (pictures to come later!) and so we were slackers...or I was a slacker, and we didn't go to church this morning. We're definitely going next weekend though. I pray that God will bless us with a group of friends. I need people. I need girl friends who I matter to and who matter to me. I need people that will notice if I'm not at church on Sunday and will call to check up on me later. And I know that God will fulfill my need for community. It's just a matter of me being patient and realizing that HIS timing is PERFECT. That's something I'm still working on.

It is bedtime for me, Riley, and Greg tonight! I promise to be back soon with more news from this little apartment in Austin, Texas.

In Christ Alone,