It's that time again...finals!

Oh, thank heavens...I only have to take finals ONE MORE SEMESTER...ever! I am so thankful for that. I have been so incredibly busy lately - I had a final on Monday night, a final today, and two this coming Monday. I will be glad when they are finished. My 50 book evaluations, original book, and thematic unit were also all due in the past two weeks, so I've been crazy trying to get all that stuff finished...thank God I didn't procrastinate and put those things off to the last minute...I don't think I ever could've finished them all on time! In other school related news...I made a 100 on my Unit!! This is fantastic news because making a 100 on the Unit for Curriculum is pretty unheard of. I worked my tail off getting that thing perfect and I'm so glad I did. Now if I just was able to do well on the final today, I could scrape by with an A! But I'll settle for a B if the final didn't go too well (which I'm not thinking it did...which is okay with me).

God has been stretching me to trust Him so much lately. I think I have trust issues and I'm not really sure where those came from. I really don't think I have a reason to be leery of trusting people and God, but for some reason I really am...He keeps showing me that the only way to do things is with Him in the lead and SO many times I try to rush in front of him and do things myself...and then I end up in tears crying out to Him to get me out of the mess I've made, and he always does. So why do I find it so hard to trust Him? Money is tight right now, which is difficult no matter what time of the year it is, but especially when it's Christmas time. God and I had a little heart-to-heart the other night and even though I know logically that I shouldn't, my heart won't stop feeling failure for continually running to Him about the same things. I feel like He must be tired of me not learning from mistakes and repeating them...gosh, I know I'm tired of it!

Our COM group went down to feed the homeless again on Tuesday night and I kept thinking that I feel like Greg and I don't have money, but in the grand scheme of things we are kings compared to them. We are so lucky...we have a home (even if it isn't where I want to be, it sure is better than the shelter on Trinity), we have enough money to buy groceries, we have money for electricity, running water, we have two awesome cars, and we even some left over every month to do some fun stuff like rent movies or go out to eat. I just need to keep some perspective the next time I'm feeling crummy because I haven't been able to go shopping for myself in awhile.

Photography is going so well! I had my last wedding last Saturday and it was really fun. I feel like I'm understanding things a little bit better and am starting to get a little more creative with my shots. Allen even posted one of my pictures on his blog - http://doberenz.blogspot.com - it's like the second post down. It made me smile! Working in his office is going really well too, although I miss my kids like crazy! I never thought I would feel that way because I hated my managers at the daycare so much...but I really do miss seeing babies every day. I think that's how I know that I'm meant to teach. Yes, photography is fun and I really love it and would love to pursue it as a hobby in the future that I could even make some money on the side with...but my heart is really into teaching. I love being in the classroom and I love seeing kids learn and discover new things. That is what God created me to do and I know I could never be happy not spending my weekdays teaching children in some form or fashion.

I hope your holiday season is so blessed...I miss you guys so much. Dustin, I hope you are feeling loved and prayed for wherever you are because you are! We really miss seeing you and hearing your hilarious stories all the time - I think Greg misses you a ton! It will be so nice to have you back in Austin to hang out with from time to time. And Hannah, I miss you like crazy, beautiful cousin! Gosh, holidays just aren't ever the same without all you Brown girls running around Grandma's house. I'm so glad you're finished with everything though - what a blessing! We will have a phone date soon :) I love you so much!

I'll post pictures of all our Christmas decorations soon. It's really neat having a real tree for once...it smells so good! And our Willowtree Nativity Scene (a wedding present from grandma and grandad) is AWESOME...so gorgeous :) I'll try to take pictures to put up next time I'm on here.

I love you guys and I miss you more than words can say!

Tired

I'm tired. And I got a lot of sleep yesterday/last night...I'm just tired. I feel like there is always something that needs to be done...so whenever I'm relaxing, that something is in the back of my mind nagging me and not letting me relax at all. I can't watch a movie or tv or have a "lazy day" anymore because I have to read 50 books for children's literature and write a unit for curriculum and write a book for children's lit and do a book/movie comparison for children's lit and write a unit test for curriculum and do a teaching activity for content area...I just freakin' want to be DONE. I don't care what I'm learning anymore because I know none of it is actually going to be applied to a teaching job realistically. Real teachers don't have TIME to spend 2-3 hours on ONE lesson plan, especially when they would be having to teach at least 2 lessons per day, more if they're in lower levels. I know I'm not a "real" teacher yet. I'm 9 hours and a semester of student teaching short of that. But if "real" teachers don't do it, then why the heck do I have to do it? I'm really not getting that.

I think I care too much. That makes me stress and worry. Caring too much is a bad thing. Caring enough to keep up my GPA is stressful. Caring enough to try to write meaningful lessons when I have no students to actually teach them to is tiring. Caring enough to drive an hour to class with awful Texas drivers is aggravating. And caring enough to jump through impossibly high hoops that the department of education has thrown just might kill me.

And don't give me any of that, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" crap. I only believe that when I'm running. Speaking of running, all these things that I "care" about have made it pretty impossible to even dream of running. Because all I seem to be dreaming about lately is if my imaginary students have the schema to understand the fake unit I planned all out. I also have been dreaming a lot about showing up places having forgot something (usually an article of clothing - shoes, etc). I think this comes from the fact that I have 50 book reports due in a little over a month and I've only written 16 of them.

I'm sorry I'm being negative. But if I can't be negative and all "glass half-empty" on my blog, then where can I be? I'm sure it's because I'm tired. I tend to get cranky when I'm tired. And I don't think this 'tiredness' is going to go away until December.

Can I please just take a personal day from life?