I never realized what a complete control-freak I am until it came time to plan my wedding. I've always known that I prefer to be in the driver's seat when it comes to doing things (I mean, who else can do something as perfectly as me?), but when it came time to plan my wedding I became a to-do list freak. I timed, down to the second, when my bridesmaids would walk down the aisle. I made an itinerary that was at least 5 pages long for all of our wedding party...and I still agonize nearly a year later that I told the ushers to be in the wrong place at the right time and they ended up missing out on our formal pictures. I was such a control-freak that when I left to get my hair done on the morning of the wedding, my loving aunts, uncles, cousins, and bridesmaids were panicking asking Jen whether I wanted pink AND green jelly beans on all tables, or just one corresponding color. And then there was a near meltdown when they ran out of jelly beans. And guess who didn't even realize there were jelly beans at the reception until she got professional pictures back? Yep, that's right, the control freak BRIDE!
I think this control issue has only gotten worse since the wedding. And now it's started to apply to my relationship with God. I'm not sure why I think it's okay to be in the driver's seat when I'm riding in the car with God, but for some reason, I've come to think this. Today, Jeff did a sermon called "Chase the Lion." It was about doing things that are destined to fail without the help of some divine intervention...and it really got me thinking. I have some serious issues in my life that need to be surrendered to God...one particular thing that will never be resolved unless God takes a hold and shows me how to let go.
Ever since 5th grade, I have had horrible self-esteem and self-image issues. Do you know how sad it is that a 10-year-old thought that she needed to lose weight? That makes 12 years of me hating myself, the way I looked on the outside, and the way I felt about myself on the inside. This issue is so big that I really don't remember a time when I wasn't thinking about my weight. I know there has to be a time when my little, carefree mind wanted nothing to do with the reflection in the mirror, but I honestly can't remember a time like that. I rate every picture I see of myself on how "skinny" I look in it. If I don't live up to my own impossibly high standards, then it's a bad picture. This "issue" has even pushed me towards anorexia and doing stupid, stupid stuff to make myself look "better." And to be honest? I'm never going to look like Heidi Klum or any of the other Victoria's Secret models. I'm athletic. And I have my dad's calves (Lord, please help my children!). And I rode horses and swam for years. I've got some muscles!
So this morning, I decided to pass this problem of mine over to God. I'm so tired of living life this way. I'm so tired of constantly thinking that I need to be better; that I need to be prettier, or skinnier, or taller, or faster, or stronger. There's never going to be a number on the scale that is "perfect" for me and I'm never going to get to a point where I'm thin enough...unless God takes control. And I can't describe the terror that runs through me at the thought of letting go. That seems so silly too...why should I be scared to let my GOD take control? One part is fear of the unknown...What happens if I stop constantly finding something to improve on; what if I spiral out of control the other way and end up incredibly overweight? The other big part of my fear is because I don't know how to let go...I don't know how to take a step forward. I have spent so long hating myself that I've forgotten what is involved in loving myself.
This morning Jeff talked about how there are two parts to learning - one is taking in new information and the other is "un-learning" all the wrong information. I've got 12 years worth of un-learning to start...I have to un-learn that every time I get in front of the mirror is a time to critique my appearance. I have to un-learn that the numbers on the scale matter. I have to un-learn that a dress size matters. I have to un-learn that a six-pack is what matters. Most importantly I have to LEARN that my husband, my family, and my GOD think that I am beautiful, inside and out.
Please, please pray for me. I've always thought that I was always going to have to deal with this problem; I never thought that it could be gone. I need God to show me how to let go, how to love, and how to accept the way he created me.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Happy New Years!
Happy New Years, everyone! I can't believe it's 2008...so exciting :) Greg and I have almost been married a year...how insane is that?! We rang in the new year last night by watching all of the Bourne movies - Bourne Identity, Bourne Supremacy, and Bourne Ultimatum. I hadn't seen any of them and I really enjoyed them (even though I fell asleep during the last one - 3 movies is a lot for me to watch in one night!) I usually don't do resolutions because I never actually keep them...but this year I decided to do New Years "Goals" that are much more attainable than the resolutions that I usually set.
1. Consistently work out 3 times a week.
I'm so bad about working out (lifting weights, not running) sporadically. I think it's partly because I hate it and would much rather be running...but I need to do it for my health. So my goal this year is to lift weights three times EVERY week. And then run on top of that when I can.
2. Write a letter to my grandparents every month.
I hate living far away from my family and I wish I could see them more, so I've decided to write my grandparents a letter monthly. They love getting mail (and so do I!) and I think getting letters from me every month would make them feel special. I really don't know how much longer my dad's mom is going to be around...and I'm definitely going to miss her a lot when she's gone. So I need to cherish the time I have left with her and not put my busy life above what means most in the world to me - my family.
3. Train the dogs.
Riley knows how to sit, but that's about it. I want them to sit, stay, come on command (this would be SO nice) and generally learn how to be well-behaved dogs. I think this might be the toughest goal so far...
4. Spend quality time with God.
I've gotten bad about slacking off on my quiet times...I will pray for a few minutes before I fall asleep and then call that "quality" time...and then I wonder why I'm not growing and getting closer to him. Makes a lot of sense, huh? So my goal is to spend time praying and reading and growing at least three times per week. I would love to do it every day, but I know that if that were my goal, I would probably fail within the first month. However, I will be reading my Bible every night before bed.
I'd love to hear all of y'alls resolutions (or goals!) Hooray for 2008!
1. Consistently work out 3 times a week.
I'm so bad about working out (lifting weights, not running) sporadically. I think it's partly because I hate it and would much rather be running...but I need to do it for my health. So my goal this year is to lift weights three times EVERY week. And then run on top of that when I can.
2. Write a letter to my grandparents every month.
I hate living far away from my family and I wish I could see them more, so I've decided to write my grandparents a letter monthly. They love getting mail (and so do I!) and I think getting letters from me every month would make them feel special. I really don't know how much longer my dad's mom is going to be around...and I'm definitely going to miss her a lot when she's gone. So I need to cherish the time I have left with her and not put my busy life above what means most in the world to me - my family.
3. Train the dogs.
Riley knows how to sit, but that's about it. I want them to sit, stay, come on command (this would be SO nice) and generally learn how to be well-behaved dogs. I think this might be the toughest goal so far...
4. Spend quality time with God.
I've gotten bad about slacking off on my quiet times...I will pray for a few minutes before I fall asleep and then call that "quality" time...and then I wonder why I'm not growing and getting closer to him. Makes a lot of sense, huh? So my goal is to spend time praying and reading and growing at least three times per week. I would love to do it every day, but I know that if that were my goal, I would probably fail within the first month. However, I will be reading my Bible every night before bed.
I'd love to hear all of y'alls resolutions (or goals!) Hooray for 2008!
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Be Still and Know He is God
God knows you. He knows the patterns in your eyes, the lines in your thumb print. He knows the way your spirit feels when you see a sunset. He knows the variations of your laughs when things are hilarious, mildly funny, or you’re just being polite. He knows which foods disgust you and which makes you close your eyes and say “yum." He knows your wildest dreams and your darkest fears. He knows what makes your heart leap. He knows how you feel when you’ve been rejected and forgotten. He knows how many tears you’ve cried. He knows you and loves you.
Know that He is the God that has command over the wind. He is the one that tells the sun to rise and set each day. He is the one that breathes life into everything. He is the one that shaped the mountains, smoothed the hills, and molded the bottom of the ocean. Demons fear Him. Angels worship Him. Animals obey Him. Everything with life answers to Him. And He sent His Son to die for us.
Be still and know that He is God. Let the fear fade away and your heart fill with peace as you remember that He is for you. He would slow down the sun for you or split open the sea for you. He will make a way. Rest and know that He will make a way.
Know that He is the God that has command over the wind. He is the one that tells the sun to rise and set each day. He is the one that breathes life into everything. He is the one that shaped the mountains, smoothed the hills, and molded the bottom of the ocean. Demons fear Him. Angels worship Him. Animals obey Him. Everything with life answers to Him. And He sent His Son to die for us.
Be still and know that He is God. Let the fear fade away and your heart fill with peace as you remember that He is for you. He would slow down the sun for you or split open the sea for you. He will make a way. Rest and know that He will make a way.
***
A friend from my classes this year wrote this and I thought it was amazing...Thank you Lauren for blessing me with this new perspective.Friday, December 7, 2007
It's that time again...finals!
Oh, thank heavens...I only have to take finals ONE MORE SEMESTER...ever! I am so thankful for that. I have been so incredibly busy lately - I had a final on Monday night, a final today, and two this coming Monday. I will be glad when they are finished. My 50 book evaluations, original book, and thematic unit were also all due in the past two weeks, so I've been crazy trying to get all that stuff finished...thank God I didn't procrastinate and put those things off to the last minute...I don't think I ever could've finished them all on time! In other school related news...I made a 100 on my Unit!! This is fantastic news because making a 100 on the Unit for Curriculum is pretty unheard of. I worked my tail off getting that thing perfect and I'm so glad I did. Now if I just was able to do well on the final today, I could scrape by with an A! But I'll settle for a B if the final didn't go too well (which I'm not thinking it did...which is okay with me).
God has been stretching me to trust Him so much lately. I think I have trust issues and I'm not really sure where those came from. I really don't think I have a reason to be leery of trusting people and God, but for some reason I really am...He keeps showing me that the only way to do things is with Him in the lead and SO many times I try to rush in front of him and do things myself...and then I end up in tears crying out to Him to get me out of the mess I've made, and he always does. So why do I find it so hard to trust Him? Money is tight right now, which is difficult no matter what time of the year it is, but especially when it's Christmas time. God and I had a little heart-to-heart the other night and even though I know logically that I shouldn't, my heart won't stop feeling failure for continually running to Him about the same things. I feel like He must be tired of me not learning from mistakes and repeating them...gosh, I know I'm tired of it!
Our COM group went down to feed the homeless again on Tuesday night and I kept thinking that I feel like Greg and I don't have money, but in the grand scheme of things we are kings compared to them. We are so lucky...we have a home (even if it isn't where I want to be, it sure is better than the shelter on Trinity), we have enough money to buy groceries, we have money for electricity, running water, we have two awesome cars, and we even some left over every month to do some fun stuff like rent movies or go out to eat. I just need to keep some perspective the next time I'm feeling crummy because I haven't been able to go shopping for myself in awhile.
Photography is going so well! I had my last wedding last Saturday and it was really fun. I feel like I'm understanding things a little bit better and am starting to get a little more creative with my shots. Allen even posted one of my pictures on his blog - http://doberenz.blogspot.com - it's like the second post down. It made me smile! Working in his office is going really well too, although I miss my kids like crazy! I never thought I would feel that way because I hated my managers at the daycare so much...but I really do miss seeing babies every day. I think that's how I know that I'm meant to teach. Yes, photography is fun and I really love it and would love to pursue it as a hobby in the future that I could even make some money on the side with...but my heart is really into teaching. I love being in the classroom and I love seeing kids learn and discover new things. That is what God created me to do and I know I could never be happy not spending my weekdays teaching children in some form or fashion.
I hope your holiday season is so blessed...I miss you guys so much. Dustin, I hope you are feeling loved and prayed for wherever you are because you are! We really miss seeing you and hearing your hilarious stories all the time - I think Greg misses you a ton! It will be so nice to have you back in Austin to hang out with from time to time. And Hannah, I miss you like crazy, beautiful cousin! Gosh, holidays just aren't ever the same without all you Brown girls running around Grandma's house. I'm so glad you're finished with everything though - what a blessing! We will have a phone date soon :) I love you so much!
I'll post pictures of all our Christmas decorations soon. It's really neat having a real tree for once...it smells so good! And our Willowtree Nativity Scene (a wedding present from grandma and grandad) is AWESOME...so gorgeous :) I'll try to take pictures to put up next time I'm on here.
I love you guys and I miss you more than words can say!
God has been stretching me to trust Him so much lately. I think I have trust issues and I'm not really sure where those came from. I really don't think I have a reason to be leery of trusting people and God, but for some reason I really am...He keeps showing me that the only way to do things is with Him in the lead and SO many times I try to rush in front of him and do things myself...and then I end up in tears crying out to Him to get me out of the mess I've made, and he always does. So why do I find it so hard to trust Him? Money is tight right now, which is difficult no matter what time of the year it is, but especially when it's Christmas time. God and I had a little heart-to-heart the other night and even though I know logically that I shouldn't, my heart won't stop feeling failure for continually running to Him about the same things. I feel like He must be tired of me not learning from mistakes and repeating them...gosh, I know I'm tired of it!
Our COM group went down to feed the homeless again on Tuesday night and I kept thinking that I feel like Greg and I don't have money, but in the grand scheme of things we are kings compared to them. We are so lucky...we have a home (even if it isn't where I want to be, it sure is better than the shelter on Trinity), we have enough money to buy groceries, we have money for electricity, running water, we have two awesome cars, and we even some left over every month to do some fun stuff like rent movies or go out to eat. I just need to keep some perspective the next time I'm feeling crummy because I haven't been able to go shopping for myself in awhile.
Photography is going so well! I had my last wedding last Saturday and it was really fun. I feel like I'm understanding things a little bit better and am starting to get a little more creative with my shots. Allen even posted one of my pictures on his blog - http://doberenz.blogspot.com - it's like the second post down. It made me smile! Working in his office is going really well too, although I miss my kids like crazy! I never thought I would feel that way because I hated my managers at the daycare so much...but I really do miss seeing babies every day. I think that's how I know that I'm meant to teach. Yes, photography is fun and I really love it and would love to pursue it as a hobby in the future that I could even make some money on the side with...but my heart is really into teaching. I love being in the classroom and I love seeing kids learn and discover new things. That is what God created me to do and I know I could never be happy not spending my weekdays teaching children in some form or fashion.
I hope your holiday season is so blessed...I miss you guys so much. Dustin, I hope you are feeling loved and prayed for wherever you are because you are! We really miss seeing you and hearing your hilarious stories all the time - I think Greg misses you a ton! It will be so nice to have you back in Austin to hang out with from time to time. And Hannah, I miss you like crazy, beautiful cousin! Gosh, holidays just aren't ever the same without all you Brown girls running around Grandma's house. I'm so glad you're finished with everything though - what a blessing! We will have a phone date soon :) I love you so much!
I'll post pictures of all our Christmas decorations soon. It's really neat having a real tree for once...it smells so good! And our Willowtree Nativity Scene (a wedding present from grandma and grandad) is AWESOME...so gorgeous :) I'll try to take pictures to put up next time I'm on here.
I love you guys and I miss you more than words can say!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Wow
That's all the words I have for this...watch it and be amazed by God.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUiEeM5TAUY&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUiEeM5TAUY&feature=related
Friday, September 28, 2007
Manual is a scary world!
I feel bad not blogging since Sunday...not for all you faithful readers (and friends/family!) but because I miss it! To catch you up since Sunday...
Monday: I took two hard tests and I'm pleased to announce that I think I did wonderfully on both of them! I also worked the book fair at UMHB and got two free books out of (and somehow came home with 7 books and 1 awesome cookbook)...That definitely fulfilled my "kid" side. I justified the picture books I bought by saying that I'd use them whenever we have kids. Which is like 5 years from now...but I will!!
Tuesday: Wonderful, wonderful COM group. I love my group. LOVE LOVE LOVE them. We talked about how we can be praying that God will be BIG in our lives and the lives of those around us...Be BIG God!
Wednesday: -drumroll please- I met with Allen and I'm going to start practicing to be a second shooter at his weddings! I'm so incredibly excited. So I rushed over to Barnes and Noble and bought a really neat book - Understanding Exposure. It's definitely made me understand manual on my camera...although it's still scary, it's less "What did I get myself into?" scary and more like, "Wow, this is a lot to learn but it's really cool" scary. I took a few pictures before reading where my exposure was pretty off.
This one is pretty good focus...a little dark though.
A little soft on Riley (she wiggles too much!) and it seems a tad overexposed to me.
VERY underexposed.
Monday: I took two hard tests and I'm pleased to announce that I think I did wonderfully on both of them! I also worked the book fair at UMHB and got two free books out of (and somehow came home with 7 books and 1 awesome cookbook)...That definitely fulfilled my "kid" side. I justified the picture books I bought by saying that I'd use them whenever we have kids. Which is like 5 years from now...but I will!!
Tuesday: Wonderful, wonderful COM group. I love my group. LOVE LOVE LOVE them. We talked about how we can be praying that God will be BIG in our lives and the lives of those around us...Be BIG God!
Wednesday: -drumroll please- I met with Allen and I'm going to start practicing to be a second shooter at his weddings! I'm so incredibly excited. So I rushed over to Barnes and Noble and bought a really neat book - Understanding Exposure. It's definitely made me understand manual on my camera...although it's still scary, it's less "What did I get myself into?" scary and more like, "Wow, this is a lot to learn but it's really cool" scary. I took a few pictures before reading where my exposure was pretty off.
This one is pretty good focus...a little dark though.
A little soft on Riley (she wiggles too much!) and it seems a tad overexposed to me.
VERY underexposed.Thursday: Grey's came back on! I was very excited about that. And even more exciting - Greg came back home!! YAY!
Today: I sat down for about 4 hours this afternoon and really started to understand my [dad's] camera. I took lots of pictures (most of them are pretty boring because they're exercises in my book), but I got some really cute (and technically pretty good) pictures. Understanding manual is more of a "Hey, I think I can actually do this," thing for me now...and I'm really excited that my pictures look SO much better technically than they did in Auto.
Riley is one of my favorite subjects...I figure that if I can get her in focus, then I can get anything in focus because she's so wiggly!
And one more cute one of Riley.
Today: I sat down for about 4 hours this afternoon and really started to understand my [dad's] camera. I took lots of pictures (most of them are pretty boring because they're exercises in my book), but I got some really cute (and technically pretty good) pictures. Understanding manual is more of a "Hey, I think I can actually do this," thing for me now...and I'm really excited that my pictures look SO much better technically than they did in Auto.
Riley is one of my favorite subjects...I figure that if I can get her in focus, then I can get anything in focus because she's so wiggly!
And one more cute one of Riley.Tomorrow is running. And my alarm is going off this time, gosh darn it! (I should be asleep right now though).
One last thing before I go. Dustin proposed a question - what do I think will abide in my pursuit for contentment. I thought about that for a long time tonight...and I still haven't really come up with a concrete answer. I think that taking my thoughts captive, like he mentioned, is a good idea, but in actuality it's so much easier said than done. I've been struggling for a long, long time with body image and I try so hard to take my thoughts captive. But sometimes I get discouraged and I forget about taking my thoughts captive and it spirals downward to me feeling absolutely awful about myself for a few days. Greg encourages me so much to be aware of what I'm thinking and I really, really fight and struggle with that.
I think one thing that might help me is listing (either mentally, on here, or in my actual journal) all the things that I'm thankful for or that happened in the previous 24 hours that were exciting and fun. Sometimes I get so caught up in the future that I forget how much fun I'm having in the present! What am I thankful for today?
- Health insurance.
- A wedding gift card to Target that we forgot about (and the hand-mixer, food processor, and board game that we got with it!)
- A wonderful dad who lets me borrow his camera whenever I want.
- Friday's off from work.
- A husband who lets me pick where we eat (Chick-fil-A!)
- A clean apartment.
- A king-size bed.
- My new non-gas guzzling car that is very pretty.
- Blessings from God.
I think that really will help me live in the present more :)
I need to go get in bed now so I can be bright-eyed (sort-of) and bushy-tailed in the morning...whoever thought up that saying? It's kind of silly and it makes me laugh.
I pray that God blesses you abundantly today!
One last thing before I go. Dustin proposed a question - what do I think will abide in my pursuit for contentment. I thought about that for a long time tonight...and I still haven't really come up with a concrete answer. I think that taking my thoughts captive, like he mentioned, is a good idea, but in actuality it's so much easier said than done. I've been struggling for a long, long time with body image and I try so hard to take my thoughts captive. But sometimes I get discouraged and I forget about taking my thoughts captive and it spirals downward to me feeling absolutely awful about myself for a few days. Greg encourages me so much to be aware of what I'm thinking and I really, really fight and struggle with that.
I think one thing that might help me is listing (either mentally, on here, or in my actual journal) all the things that I'm thankful for or that happened in the previous 24 hours that were exciting and fun. Sometimes I get so caught up in the future that I forget how much fun I'm having in the present! What am I thankful for today?
- Health insurance.
- A wedding gift card to Target that we forgot about (and the hand-mixer, food processor, and board game that we got with it!)
- A wonderful dad who lets me borrow his camera whenever I want.
- Friday's off from work.
- A husband who lets me pick where we eat (Chick-fil-A!)
- A clean apartment.
- A king-size bed.
- My new non-gas guzzling car that is very pretty.
- Blessings from God.
I think that really will help me live in the present more :)
I need to go get in bed now so I can be bright-eyed (sort-of) and bushy-tailed in the morning...whoever thought up that saying? It's kind of silly and it makes me laugh.
I pray that God blesses you abundantly today!
Saturday, September 22, 2007
All By Myself
This morning just started off bad. I was tired from last night and my alarm never went off to wake me up for my running group. I woke up around 7:15 and was so upset because I knew they'd already be on the road (we leave at 7am sharp!) and there was no hope of me getting to the Runtex off Lake Austin Blvd. in time to catch up with them.
So I drug out my Nike + iPod system, filled up my water bottles, got my workout playlist all ready to go and proceeded to run the 9 miles my group was running together all by myself. I wasn't too optimistic about this run...I've never done 9 miles before...and I really haven't done anything over 7 all by myself. But I hit the road, ran three minutes, walked one minute, all the way up Wells Branch to 35, then back down Wells Branch to MoPac, and then home. It ended up being about 8.79 miles and I did have to stop and walk the last quarter mile or so home...but I did it! I was shocked, honestly, that my body can run 9 miles in about an hour and a half (And that I can burn 989 calories...thats almost a days worth!!)
I admit, I did get a bit pessimistic on the way home when I was hurting. 26 miles is SO much longer than 9. And I started thinking If I'm hurting this much now, how on EARTH will I ever be able to do 26 miles? But I think that's just it...EARTH has nothing to do with it. Heaven and grace and GOD have everything to do with it. Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." That says all things. Not just some things. That means I can run 26 miles through Christ. And I can witness to people through Christ (even when I'm scared). And I can make it through the rest of college through Christ. That gives me such great hope and such great joy!
I've been struggling so much with contentment lately. Not that my life isn't wonderful...I have an amazing husband, family, puppy, church, and God. But my mind is having trouble living in the moment. I catch myself thinking all the time, Oh, I can't wait until we can move out of this tiny apartment! or I really wish I was done with school and could start my REAL job now...then my life would really begin. or I can't wait until Greg and I are financially able to have kids...and I remember that before we were married I couldn't wait for the wedding, and before we were engaged I was dying to be his "fiancee." I just want to be content with the now...and I'm struggling and battling with myself to be here. To be in this moment and no where else. And that is much easier said than done!
I am all over the place tonight. I blame it on memorizing 5 pages front and back (literally, no exaggerating here!) for my Children's Lit test on Monday. I'm only on page 3. But I think I'm done for the night...when your head starts spinning and the definition that you've just written down five times in order to make yourself memorize it really isn't making sense anymore, it's time to quit.
Greg is going out of town tomorrow and I'm really going to miss him. At least he is only gone until Thursday (Grey's Anatomy season premier night!) and then I get to have him back at home ;) Since I'm such a chicken, I'm staying with my mom for the week. Didn't you know? Whenever I'm home alone by myself I hear things. Creepy things. Like people walking up the stairs (that we don't have) or people trying to get into my apartment to kidnap me. And of course the double locks we have on our door just won't do. So off to mommy and daddy's house it is ;)
Before I leave, I have a video to share of the cutest puppy in the entire world. It makes me smile :)
So I drug out my Nike + iPod system, filled up my water bottles, got my workout playlist all ready to go and proceeded to run the 9 miles my group was running together all by myself. I wasn't too optimistic about this run...I've never done 9 miles before...and I really haven't done anything over 7 all by myself. But I hit the road, ran three minutes, walked one minute, all the way up Wells Branch to 35, then back down Wells Branch to MoPac, and then home. It ended up being about 8.79 miles and I did have to stop and walk the last quarter mile or so home...but I did it! I was shocked, honestly, that my body can run 9 miles in about an hour and a half (And that I can burn 989 calories...thats almost a days worth!!)
I admit, I did get a bit pessimistic on the way home when I was hurting. 26 miles is SO much longer than 9. And I started thinking If I'm hurting this much now, how on EARTH will I ever be able to do 26 miles? But I think that's just it...EARTH has nothing to do with it. Heaven and grace and GOD have everything to do with it. Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." That says all things. Not just some things. That means I can run 26 miles through Christ. And I can witness to people through Christ (even when I'm scared). And I can make it through the rest of college through Christ. That gives me such great hope and such great joy!
I've been struggling so much with contentment lately. Not that my life isn't wonderful...I have an amazing husband, family, puppy, church, and God. But my mind is having trouble living in the moment. I catch myself thinking all the time, Oh, I can't wait until we can move out of this tiny apartment! or I really wish I was done with school and could start my REAL job now...then my life would really begin. or I can't wait until Greg and I are financially able to have kids...and I remember that before we were married I couldn't wait for the wedding, and before we were engaged I was dying to be his "fiancee." I just want to be content with the now...and I'm struggling and battling with myself to be here. To be in this moment and no where else. And that is much easier said than done!
I am all over the place tonight. I blame it on memorizing 5 pages front and back (literally, no exaggerating here!) for my Children's Lit test on Monday. I'm only on page 3. But I think I'm done for the night...when your head starts spinning and the definition that you've just written down five times in order to make yourself memorize it really isn't making sense anymore, it's time to quit.
Greg is going out of town tomorrow and I'm really going to miss him. At least he is only gone until Thursday (Grey's Anatomy season premier night!) and then I get to have him back at home ;) Since I'm such a chicken, I'm staying with my mom for the week. Didn't you know? Whenever I'm home alone by myself I hear things. Creepy things. Like people walking up the stairs (that we don't have) or people trying to get into my apartment to kidnap me. And of course the double locks we have on our door just won't do. So off to mommy and daddy's house it is ;)
Before I leave, I have a video to share of the cutest puppy in the entire world. It makes me smile :)
I hope that made you smile!
Don't let the bed bugs bite!
Don't let the bed bugs bite!
Thursday, September 20, 2007
In Awe :)
I'm so sorry I've been slacking lately on posting. There has been SO much going on and God is simply amazing :)
And of course, I really don't have time to write tonight either because Greg is going out of town on Sunday for four whole nights, so once I get my homework done we're going to actually sit down and talk without the TV on...what a novel concept!
I would appreciate prayer...lots of it! I have a possible opportunity to work with/for the guy who photographed our wedding. I really, really need direction because I know that this is what I want...but I don't know for sure that this is what God wants yet. It would be so great to learn photography from him...and it would mean I could possibly do photography as a business/job later in life (meaning I wouldn't have to be a complete stay at home mom...I could have some form of income coming in!)...but it also means Saturday's away from home. And we're newlyweds. And well...those our our days together. They are our days to be lazy, to sleep in, to clean, to watch movies, and of course to watch Grey's Anatomy on DVD (because I force my poor husband to do this with me ;)) But at the same time it is something that I wasn't looking for in the least, and Allen is like this amazing photographer. He could teach me so much. So yes...please, please pray for me :)
And just a humongous praise to God. We have found a church, and in the two and a half weeks that we have been going there I feel more connected than I did in eleven years at The Fellowship. That is huge for me...I feel like I'm finally on my way to having a community of believers surround me in friendship and love. We went to a COM group on Tuesday night and we just fit so well. God is good.
That's all for tonight.
In Christ,
And of course, I really don't have time to write tonight either because Greg is going out of town on Sunday for four whole nights, so once I get my homework done we're going to actually sit down and talk without the TV on...what a novel concept!
I would appreciate prayer...lots of it! I have a possible opportunity to work with/for the guy who photographed our wedding. I really, really need direction because I know that this is what I want...but I don't know for sure that this is what God wants yet. It would be so great to learn photography from him...and it would mean I could possibly do photography as a business/job later in life (meaning I wouldn't have to be a complete stay at home mom...I could have some form of income coming in!)...but it also means Saturday's away from home. And we're newlyweds. And well...those our our days together. They are our days to be lazy, to sleep in, to clean, to watch movies, and of course to watch Grey's Anatomy on DVD (because I force my poor husband to do this with me ;)) But at the same time it is something that I wasn't looking for in the least, and Allen is like this amazing photographer. He could teach me so much. So yes...please, please pray for me :)
And just a humongous praise to God. We have found a church, and in the two and a half weeks that we have been going there I feel more connected than I did in eleven years at The Fellowship. That is huge for me...I feel like I'm finally on my way to having a community of believers surround me in friendship and love. We went to a COM group on Tuesday night and we just fit so well. God is good.
That's all for tonight.
In Christ,
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