Let's start with some background...I've always grown up in a Godly family, and for as long as I can remember, I've prayed before falling asleep at night. When I was younger, my parents and I prayed together, but as I got older I gradually started doing it on my own. When we moved to Round Rock way back in the day (like 11 years ago), my mom found this ad in the paper advertising for The Fellowship. We went to church. I was appalled at the idea of getting out of bed at 8:30am on a Sunday, but I did it anyway. I forgot my glasses, so I couldn't see the big projector screen and all the faces were real fuzzy...It was Disciple Now weekend, so Kirk Crawford spoke (he was the youth minister at the time) and two girls from the youth group sang this song called What Would Jesus Do?...crazy, but I still remember the words. It went something like:
What would Jesus do?
Where would Jesus go?
I want to go there to...
...anyways, we started going there every Sunday. We fell in love with Roddy; we fell in love with that church. There were ups and downs. We went through two different youth pastors while I was there and I even left during my Junior year of High School to go to another church because I needed a youth program at that time.
Fast forward to now...I won't go into everything that has happened at the Fellowship because it's a long story and it doesn't need to be broadcast over the internet even more than it already has with the media. But church isn't the church anymore. I know that a man doesn't make the church...I could probably still go there without him preaching and teaching, even though he was a phenomenal speaker and totally captivated me. But I can't go there when the church that I grew up in, found myself in, and was loved in kicked an entire family to the curb and refused to love them like Jesus would.
Don't get me wrong. He sinned in a BIG, BIG way. And I'm so mad that his sin has caused the church to be broadcast all over the news - what unchurched people in Austin want to go to that church now? But in my eleven years of church-going, I've learned one truth that has stuck with me like glue. We are meant to love people. That is the greatest commandment after all, isn't it? To love others and to love God...Well, I'm sorry, but I have NOT seen love in that church. I've seen anger. I've seen hurt. I've seen mistrust. I have not, even for one second seen mercy. Or love. Or forgiveness. My sin is no worse than his. I have a particularly big struggle with body image issues - he has a particularly big struggle with money. There is nothing...nothing that I have done that is worse than what he has done. They are equal in the eyes of God.
The Fellowship had two options - to love or not to love. They chose not to love, and now this is going to be played out in a different arena and come to a different outcome than it would have if they had chosen to love. How is he supposed to pay restitution if he's sitting in a jail cell for 99 years. He has daughters. He has a wife. And all of them; all FOUR of them were cast aside like worthless trash. I love them...and I will continue to love them until my GOD tells me that I am sinning by doing this.
Back to present day. I want to get connected again...but I'm so scared. Never, ever have I been scared of a church. I want to think that this church will be different...that I won't invest eleven years of my life into it only to have it ripped at the seams by a phone call from my mom on a Saturday night during my vacation. I want to be open, but I'm so scared.
I want community. I want friends that I matter to. I want to be a person who is open, who isn't scared. But right now I'm just not. I'm broken and I'm beaten and I'm tired and I feel like I'm just not winning this race. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen; I'm waiting for my life to start. I don't want to feel like that anymore...I want to be happy where I am. I want to be surrounded by people that I love and who will love me back. But where do I go from here?
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insult, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
In Christ,
1 comment:
Libby, girl i just absolutely love YOU! i love how honest and real you are. i have to admit that reading your post has brought up past experiences with churchs that have brought pain and insecurity, but Libby the truth is that GOD IS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, WITH US.
i see your pain, Libby. when man acts out of his own human flesh and not out of God's will, then there are repercussions. yes, we all sin. fact. Jesus said, "if any one is without sin let him be the first to throw a stone at her" (John 8:7). what i would say though, Libby make sure that your hurt in the situation does not become judgemental or even hateful. it is so easy to take hurt and harbor it in our hearts instead of laying it before God who is the only one who can heal. be sure you don't judge anyone, because it only will hurt you even deeper.
Libby, its ok to be sacred. when you are looking for a new church you make yourself vulnerable before people who you don't know and aren't comfortable with. This is NOT such an easy thing, but oh so necessary. What is a church really? it is people just like you and me who are hopefully seeking God with everything that they are. Just people Libby. Ask God, let His Spirit guide you as you are stepping out there and making new connections. Listen for His will for you and Greg. I know He will not disappoint!
remember, everything that we go through in life helps to shape us and i believe that God uses everything for purposes that we don't know or even underdstand.
I love YOU LIBBY! and am praying for you and Greg. =o)
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